i’m actually ok

I got my shine back. People around me see it and they don’t even know about all that has passed.

I’m supposed to feel heartache, I’m supposed to be sick to my stomache. I’m supposed to, right?
But instead, I feel a better person, a better mom, a better colleague.

I can laugh even louder without the tension I feel in my shoulders. It has become a relief that I don’t have to hold back anymore, cautious and aware of what he would think.

Almost a month later, we still didn’t speak. We each don’t want to start the confrontation. Maybe because we both feel guilty, maybe because all has been said before.

Let me be and I’ll let you be. I’ll wait and see if you will be the bigger person one day – for a change.

I’ve considered many ways to make the first move. I have a letter waiting, I thought of showing up at the church to make it definitive with the pastor, I’ve thought of calling or texting you.

But I didn’t bother myself. Why should I? Why should I end the silence? Why name something that has already been defined?

Just know, I did not hurt you. You did it, all by yourself.

sell me a lie

I used to believe in every word you said. I used to put my trust in you. Every time, you knew when to say what you needed to tell me and I was happy to wait a little longer. Was it really love that we felt at that time? Was it really?

Your control over me happened in stages, boxing me up with each fold you were making. Now, I’m just angry at myself. Angry for letting it happen, angry for letting it get this far. Besides that, I started to doubt if you meant all you said to me. Looking back I feel dissapointed if that is what love really is, an intimate game we played with each of our hearts at stake.

Looking forward however, it feels like a relief. Even though things will not automatically solve itself, I feel comforted with the thought that I have to carry my own weight this time around. At least, I won’t have to wait and depend on you like I did for so long, because now I can feel like I’m finally moving forward making my own decisions.

We still live in the house together, but we live like ghosts. It feels like we are living in parallel universes, that’s how hard we try to avoid each other. Just like you avoid the food I made. The mail betrayed you and told me you never came home from Friday to Sunday. You hardly sleep at home at night and I don’t see you except for the traces you leave when you did get home while I was at work.

You have set me free when you took your ring off, when you thought you were gonna hurt me instead. It doesn’t hurt me anymore, because we tried and it didn’t work out. I think we both just couldn’t give that anymore, that x-factor to bring back the relationship from the land of the undead.

Because we used to know each other for who we were. We used to know each other’s thoughts, each other’s directions in life.
I used to think you appreciated my input.
I used to know you as a man I admire.
I used to love you so, so hard.
I used to.

Believe.

one side of the bed

A painful reminder of the way we are disconnected: my side of the bed unmade compared to your made side of the bed. A bitter laugh is what I give it as I lay down, not knowing the last time you came home.

remembering

Reading my diaries from years ago, it was apparent we went into bad times head on together. Barely two years after we met, we faced financial crisis and that’s where it all began. I believed in you, your ideas, your promises. I believed everything would be ok, as long as I could hide in your locked arms – just me and you. Maybe I was in denial, maybe I wished for you to be different, maybe it was easier to go along.

I did some awful lying, fraudulous acts and it got us both into a horrible mess. A mess we were determined to clean up together, one way or another. As most relationships evolve, we were ready to take it to the next level and we got married and we got pregnant. I think it was too soon, too messy, too much. The wedding itself was nice, but disorganised and in the end an embarrassment towards the people that helped make it happen. It’s still hard to face them to this day.

I’ve let myself get astranged from my family, I’ve let myself hang on to someone who kept poisoning me with words and tie me down with guilt. Perhaps I did exactly the same back, because it was all I knew.

From marriage on, we went into the wonderful times of pregnancy. It was wonderful because of the whole process and knowing that our son was soon going to join us. I was fortunate not to have any complaints or difficulties during pregnancy, except for the first 3 nauseous months. I was fortunate, because there were actually times that we didn’t have anything to eat and had to scrape up a handful of cents and get the cheapest thing out of the supermarket and still split that 3-ways, for us and the baby.

People will only see what other people want them to see. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at others and how you think they are thriving. We pretended to be fine, we pretended to be who we are not, we pretended too much. It killed me from the inside, sliding me further down in the pit til I hit rock bottom.

I discovered that love is great, it’s wonderful and amazing. I know I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’ve also come to learn that if you really want unconditional love from your partner, you can’t. No matter how hard you try, how bad you want it, the only one who can give you unconditional love without pretends – is the One, God, the Almighty. People will only dissapoint you, even in love, intentionally or unintentionally.

But you know what’s still so amazing about love, even at its end? We can’t get enough of it, we need it to feel alive and there’s always hope that the next love is right there, waiting on you to come around.

Love hard, fall hard, cry about it. Then pick yourself up and love even harder.

open the gate

Clear the way, let me come through
Let me breathe in the fresh air
The excitement, the challenges ahead
Don’t ask of him, because I don’t care

I told myself this day would come
In patience I’ve waited for it to arrive
Leaving my excess luggage at the door
Can’t wait to take the wheel and drive

New faces, new destinations
I know there’s more to explore in the world
Tired of being too nice, too giving
It’s time to take and give back to the girl

The girl I never was, the woman I am
Growing up too soon, settled down too fast
Wiser than most would think
Yet nobody really knows about my past

I’m heading for the future now
I wanna travel and enrich my life
I’ll be a better person for me and my son
I’m sorry to say it’s not gon’ be as your wife

push me away

I don’t need your permission to expand my horizons.
I don’t need you to tell me what I can or cannot do.

I should have read the signs a long time ago, but I was a fool.
A fool in love, nonetheless that still makes me a fool.

How could you do me so much wrong for so long?
How could you have betrayed my trust all this while?

Someday you will realise you will never find a woman who would’ve done all the things I’ve done for you – because I was the fool. In fact, there is no woman sane enough who would have put up with the life we have lived together. At the same time, you would think it would make us grow stronger together yet you chose to push me away because I learned from the mistakes. I guess it was not what you wanted to hear at times, but would you rather have me lie than to be honest?

You’ve let me go, so let go.

the beginning of the end

So it begins.

We stopped talking to each other for a few days now. We can’t even look at each other or be in the same space. Which is awkward when we happen to be alltogether with our son, who still believes we are the three musketeers with group hugs and kisses.

Today, I still didn’t make any approaches to you as we got up and got dressed at about the same time. Both in different directions.

Yesterday, you were still wearing your wedding ring but today I found it laying in the cupboard where you usually keep it with your watch when you go to sleep and pick it up as you go in the morning. Almost automatically, I placed my own wedding ring and my engagement ring right next to it. I never ever take my rings off, not when I’m washing my hands, taking a shower – ever. It surprised me I could take it off. Looking at my hand where the rings used to be, it has become whiter than my skin.

I know you’ll think you will hurt me by not wearing your wedding ring, but I’d like to see where we go from here once you see mine laying there too.

I’m just so tired of you controlling my life. I’m sick of your hypocrisy. I’m angry for letting things get this far. I’m dissapointed in myself.

Basically, I’m everything I thought I could never be. Debt collectors are coming in more regular now, today I spoke to one of them again about your outstanding amounts. Seems like we in the same loop again, just when you promised me things would be better.

I never should have given the ball back in your court and allow you to take me back. You wear your ring to control me, hurt me, please me and give me false hope. They say its a symbol of everlasting love, but your ring means nothing to you.

You just don’t like it that I don’t come to you, like every other time, telling you sorry and asking you to forgive – be it my fault or not. It was a matter of being the bigger person, but I don’t want to be that person in the relationship anymore. It works both ways and you’re pride never – ever – gave you that same sense and come to me and say sorry. In fact, the last time you told me you were sorry was the time you took me back. In total, over the past nine years, you’ve only been able to say that same word only a handful of times.

Which is fine. It doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m chosing myself. I’m taking back control of my life which has spiralled so out of control and into such dependancy on you.

I need to learn to depend on myself, so I can teach my son to do the same. I’d rather have him know he got a strong mommy, not an unhappy married couple raising him in a disorganised home.

the only reason

The following poem is for my beautiful son who’s: impatient, stubborn, sweet, caring, sharing and nurturing – usually all at the same time.

You are my every thought
And your every breath
Helps me grow

You are my every dream
And you are the lullaby
That sends me to sleep

You are my every password
And you are the key that
Unlocks all the doors

You are my every eye blink
And you are my future
With each memory

You are my every thing
And you are all that I hold dear

You are the only reason
I am still here.

by unwords, unthoughts, unreason, unrhyme & unpoetry

(Read more beautiful writings over at http://compleximplicity.wordpress.com/)

don’t wanna cry

I hope you’re quite happy with yourself
content with the way you lash out at me
I hope you’re very proud of yourself
proud of the pious man you claim to be

When your raise your voice to me
and hang up the phone in my ear
When you hurt me and wanna make me cry
not of sadness but anger, the same tear

My stomache has turned to knots
reliving the pain you cause me, then and now
My throat has started to close up
no matter how hard I try to swallow down

My head feels light and dizzy as I sit still
my eyes stare at the floor to make it stop
My heart is beating loud and fast
as I fight back the tears bound to drop

You told me about lack of respect
then tell me, how would you explain that in return?
You talk about denigration
when you make me feel this small and let me burn?

You tell me this is the last time
that I’ll ever do you wrong in your eyes
Not knowing how far you crossed the line
when you spoke those words of size

You said the weakest you ever were
was when you took me back in every way
But you might not even know, my dear husband
you sure do pay me back…

every single day

all it takes

What’s it take to catch that moment
that I’ve dreamed about countless of times
What’s it take to feel your touch
that I swear I can feel on my bare skin

We can’t look into the future
only guess where destiny lies ahead
At least we can make it ours
fulfil our selfish desires if only for us

How’s it possible something so wrong
could feel so right with every breathe
How does temptation taste so sweet
you’d forget what you have in the present

I don’t wanna crave for it much longer
please let me out of this suspense
Show me yourself, draw nearer
so I can finally see, touch and… feel you