I present you with my heart,
which means nothing to you
and which has no use to me anymore.
I present you with my heart,
which means nothing to you
and which has no use to me anymore.
Is there such a thing as soulmates? What does it really mean?
All I know is, I felt a deep profound love for someone who gave me what I needed. Who gave me the feeling that I was special, who knew I’d give all I have and more just to make him happy. Just to show him how much I care about him, how much I believe in us, how no one could ever come in between the special relationship we were in. Just so I could prove I could care less about what other people had to say, how other people think about us, how much I don’t care about the things we surround ourselves with.
My heart has been shattered to pieces, my tears have flooded oceans wide and there’s nothing I can do about it anymore.
I can’t hold back the tears anymore, because our son is the ultimate reflection of what we had, what we used to feel, a mirror to the love that once was. He was born under dire circumstances, but conceived in the absolute belief of a connection so strong – at a special place and time. I still remember how I felt that night and I knew a child would be born as a gift for the struggles we had faced up to that very moment – God heard our prayers and blessed us with the most beautiful gift given unto man.
I can’t deny who you are, or should I say, who you were. I can’t deny the significant role you played from the moment you came into my life and I owe you so much of my life’s experiences. These experiences, these moments in time, they have made me who I am today. When I look back, I see so much that my peers are yet to face in life, so much that most cannot begin to comprehend. I thank you for that, I thank God for pulling us through all these years but I also have to thank myself for finally realising that my awakening is here.
I might feel alone, I might seem strong, but all I can do – just like throughout the whole journey – is to turn to God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
In the name of God, the infinitely Compassionate and Merciful.
Praise be to God, Lord of all the worlds.
The Compassionate, the Merciful. Ruler on the Day of Reckoning.
You alone do we worship, and You alone do we ask for help.
Guide us on the straight path,
the path of those who have received your grace;
not the path of those who have brought down wrath, nor of those who wander astray.
(Quran, Sura 1, Al-Fatiha)
What’s love if you didn’t take a risk? The risk to give all of yourself to the point of selfdestruction. What’s the point in fearing to lose yourself in someone else, committing yourself in a relationship, compromise your own selfish needs for your other half? What’s the point of living if you have never felt that endless pool of love, then have it rip out your heart to put you back into reality?
Love, live, life.
Then do it all over again.
I remember the days we looked into each other’s eyes and see the future right then and there. It was so clear, so obvious, so natural.
I realise now that we will never grow old together, never raise the child we conceived and nurtured from birth. We will never be that family. I’m not even sure if I will ever give birth again, even when it was what we hoped for – to raise a big family.
Our picture perfect has been shredded to pieces, scattered on to the bare concrete floor, whisked away by the faint wind.
We tried so hard, we believed so much yet we didn’t accomplish what we had planned. Separation was never an issue for us, which makes it all even more of a bitter pill to take. I have to start over, rearrange my life, my stay, my goals. Hand in hand with our child, down that road together, just me and him. A reminder of the time when you were a part in my life, a mirror of your face, an empty place in the bed where we used to hug.
A relief from the pain and sorrow that was breaking me a little more every single day.
We’ve been in non-communicato for so long, I forgot our friends and family would expect both of us to come over at their birthday party. Fortunately, they helped remind me by asking if you were working – which I used as the excuse for that night. I haven’t told anyone yet about what has been happening all this while, no one really knows even though it’s just a matter of time they will know.
For so long have I defended you, supported you, protected you, saved you, played along and lied for you. It has become such a relief not having to worry about you anymore, yet still part of me worries about you. Worries like I used to so many, many days and nights before. You were my world, my everything, I swear I thought I could not breathe in the air without you. It all seems so futile now, so insignificant, so… betrayed.
I do believe I loved you and was in love with you, just like I believe you were too in return. But I also believe this was meant to be, part of what was supposed to make us in life on the long run. There would not have been any other woman who could’ve done all the things that I’ve done for you, out of love, out of care, out of ignorance. A hope that I was contributing to helping you become who you wanted to be, because I see your potential, I see your passion.
Perhaps my purpose has been fulfilled, helping you do the field work to get started. I still see your potential, your passion and your drive to make a success out of yourself at whatever expense. Sadly, I will not be that woman on your side to see you reach the top and frankly, I’m at peace with that. You might still be angry at me, I’m sure you will be for a much longer time, til that one day comes you will realise I did it for the both of us.
The love we thought we felt gripped us around the throat tighter and tighter, all I did was cut each other loose. I don’t wanna drag you along with me, and I can’t handle seeing you drag all that shit with you either anymore. I can’t give you that again, because I have given it all out before.
I’m giving you the space to do what you feel you need to be doing, I’m giving myself my freedom back in return.
Sometimes I wonder, how could I not have seen clearly? The more I repeat the things you’ve said to me, the more it has started to hurt me. One thing I realised only today was you asking me who put these ideas and thoughts in my head, when we clashed last year. It makes sense to me now, even though you tried to blame my mom or someone else that I might have been talking to. It makes sense because your thoughts and ideas became mine, you were feeding me the words that I needed to know in your own opinion. That’s why you became suspicious about who else could be messing with my head, because you never imagined I could think for myself one day.
That one is gonna sting for a long time.
I got my shine back. People around me see it and they don’t even know about all that has passed.
I’m supposed to feel heartache, I’m supposed to be sick to my stomache. I’m supposed to, right?
But instead, I feel a better person, a better mom, a better colleague.
I can laugh even louder without the tension I feel in my shoulders. It has become a relief that I don’t have to hold back anymore, cautious and aware of what he would think.
Almost a month later, we still didn’t speak. We each don’t want to start the confrontation. Maybe because we both feel guilty, maybe because all has been said before.
Let me be and I’ll let you be. I’ll wait and see if you will be the bigger person one day – for a change.
I’ve considered many ways to make the first move. I have a letter waiting, I thought of showing up at the church to make it definitive with the pastor, I’ve thought of calling or texting you.
But I didn’t bother myself. Why should I? Why should I end the silence? Why name something that has already been defined?
Just know, I did not hurt you. You did it, all by yourself.
I used to believe in every word you said. I used to put my trust in you. Every time, you knew when to say what you needed to tell me and I was happy to wait a little longer. Was it really love that we felt at that time? Was it really?
Your control over me happened in stages, boxing me up with each fold you were making. Now, I’m just angry at myself. Angry for letting it happen, angry for letting it get this far. Besides that, I started to doubt if you meant all you said to me. Looking back I feel dissapointed if that is what love really is, an intimate game we played with each of our hearts at stake.
Looking forward however, it feels like a relief. Even though things will not automatically solve itself, I feel comforted with the thought that I have to carry my own weight this time around. At least, I won’t have to wait and depend on you like I did for so long, because now I can feel like I’m finally moving forward making my own decisions.
We still live in the house together, but we live like ghosts. It feels like we are living in parallel universes, that’s how hard we try to avoid each other. Just like you avoid the food I made. The mail betrayed you and told me you never came home from Friday to Sunday. You hardly sleep at home at night and I don’t see you except for the traces you leave when you did get home while I was at work.
You have set me free when you took your ring off, when you thought you were gonna hurt me instead. It doesn’t hurt me anymore, because we tried and it didn’t work out. I think we both just couldn’t give that anymore, that x-factor to bring back the relationship from the land of the undead.
Because we used to know each other for who we were. We used to know each other’s thoughts, each other’s directions in life.
I used to think you appreciated my input.
I used to know you as a man I admire.
I used to love you so, so hard.
I used to.
A painful reminder of the way we are disconnected: my side of the bed unmade compared to your made side of the bed. A bitter laugh is what I give it as I lay down, not knowing the last time you came home.
Reading my diaries from years ago, it was apparent we went into bad times head on together. Barely two years after we met, we faced financial crisis and that’s where it all began. I believed in you, your ideas, your promises. I believed everything would be ok, as long as I could hide in your locked arms – just me and you. Maybe I was in denial, maybe I wished for you to be different, maybe it was easier to go along.
I did some awful lying, fraudulous acts and it got us both into a horrible mess. A mess we were determined to clean up together, one way or another. As most relationships evolve, we were ready to take it to the next level and we got married and we got pregnant. I think it was too soon, too messy, too much. The wedding itself was nice, but disorganised and in the end an embarrassment towards the people that helped make it happen. It’s still hard to face them to this day.
I’ve let myself get astranged from my family, I’ve let myself hang on to someone who kept poisoning me with words and tie me down with guilt. Perhaps I did exactly the same back, because it was all I knew.
From marriage on, we went into the wonderful times of pregnancy. It was wonderful because of the whole process and knowing that our son was soon going to join us. I was fortunate not to have any complaints or difficulties during pregnancy, except for the first 3 nauseous months. I was fortunate, because there were actually times that we didn’t have anything to eat and had to scrape up a handful of cents and get the cheapest thing out of the supermarket and still split that 3-ways, for us and the baby.
People will only see what other people want them to see. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at others and how you think they are thriving. We pretended to be fine, we pretended to be who we are not, we pretended too much. It killed me from the inside, sliding me further down in the pit til I hit rock bottom.
I discovered that love is great, it’s wonderful and amazing. I know I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’ve also come to learn that if you really want unconditional love from your partner, you can’t. No matter how hard you try, how bad you want it, the only one who can give you unconditional love without pretends – is the One, God, the Almighty. People will only dissapoint you, even in love, intentionally or unintentionally.
But you know what’s still so amazing about love, even at its end? We can’t get enough of it, we need it to feel alive and there’s always hope that the next love is right there, waiting on you to come around.
Love hard, fall hard, cry about it. Then pick yourself up and love even harder.
Clear the way, let me come through
Let me breathe in the fresh air
The excitement, the challenges ahead
Don’t ask of him, because I don’t care
I told myself this day would come
In patience I’ve waited for it to arrive
Leaving my excess luggage at the door
Can’t wait to take the wheel and drive
New faces, new destinations
I know there’s more to explore in the world
Tired of being too nice, too giving
It’s time to take and give back to the girl
The girl I never was, the woman I am
Growing up too soon, settled down too fast
Wiser than most would think
Yet nobody really knows about my past
I’m heading for the future now
I wanna travel and enrich my life
I’ll be a better person for me and my son
I’m sorry to say it’s not gon’ be as your wife