don’t wanna cry

I hope you’re quite happy with yourself
content with the way you lash out at me
I hope you’re very proud of yourself
proud of the pious man you claim to be

When your raise your voice to me
and hang up the phone in my ear
When you hurt me and wanna make me cry
not of sadness but anger, the same tear

My stomache has turned to knots
reliving the pain you cause me, then and now
My throat has started to close up
no matter how hard I try to swallow down

My head feels light and dizzy as I sit still
my eyes stare at the floor to make it stop
My heart is beating loud and fast
as I fight back the tears bound to drop

You told me about lack of respect
then tell me, how would you explain that in return?
You talk about denigration
when you make me feel this small and let me burn?

You tell me this is the last time
that I’ll ever do you wrong in your eyes
Not knowing how far you crossed the line
when you spoke those words of size

You said the weakest you ever were
was when you took me back in every way
But you might not even know, my dear husband
you sure do pay me back…

every single day

apparently

Why do you leave me so embarrased?
Why can’t you see how much you’re hurting me?
Instead you turn the blame on me. You keep telling me I have no respect for you anymore to which I disagree, yet you keep making it damn hard on me.

We used to be one together, I was basically an extension of you, I knew your left from right, your thoughts and ideas now and to come. We lost that along the way. I’m realising I’ve started to grow a mind of my own, a being of my own, with my own thoughts and ideas. Maybe I’m not that traditional wife anymore, maybe I have changed from the woman you fell in love with. Maybe I’m just seeing clearer now than ever before. I’m seeing you, from a different side, much darker, much more stubborn.

Remember those deep valleys we walked together, to see the shimmering light up above? We walked in pitch dark, hand in hand, alone. It brought us closer together, stronger in our love. I remember the day you proposed to me… it still brings tears to my eyes. You told me exactly what I needed to hear at that time, you said it with all honesty too.

How things have taken a turn.

You say that for not leaving me that day, was the weakest moment in your life and you feel like I’m taking that to my advantage and boss you around. Apparently, you don’t see how you pay me back every day by embarrasing me, letting me down and to not even pick up your phone to dial my number every now and then. To me, it seems like you have taken me for granted instead, thoroughly aware and making sure to revenge the pain I caused you in those little gestures to sting me back – right in the heart. I can feel your poison run through my vains little by little as time passes.

Can’t you see how you’re killing me, every day? How you are the one that’s killing the woman you once loved so dearly? How you make me suffer for it, every single day?

day by day

Christmas went by fast this year, just as I had hoped for. We didn’t bother to indulge in dinners, late nights together or spending much time with family and friends. At least, not together. Growing up, I always knew I was different. Meeting him, I knew he was different. Put us together and we’re awkward, like a reggae beat in a catholic church.

We are, however, taking it day by day again. Just taking each situation as it is. Trying to see where exactly we used to fit in together, make our differences work together. There are ups but also downs, miscommunications and inside jokes.

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to help to keep wandering off in my mind. At times, I feel guilty for still communicating to him, knowing fully well it’ll jeopardise everything we’re trying to fix.

I find myself pathetic for not knowing what the hell I want, or not wanting to realise what I want. I find myself pathetic for letting myself linger between two worlds of the mind, not wanting to make a decision for myself, afraid of the pain and aftermath that’ll come either way. It’s sickening at times, how I even live with myself every single day, torturing myself, numbing me out from the reality, pretending. When really, one of the things I really hate is pretending.

remember our love

Someone once told me, on their 10 years wedding anniversary, to remember what made me fall in love with him to encourage me in return to appreciate what we have together.

That’s easier said than done, I tell ya.

What if there were less common grounds in our differences? More arguments about nothing? Because we hold back on what we really want to say? Because we can’t seem to share our inner most deepest thoughts to one another? What’s a partner to do when you’re being deceived in the relationship with secrets untold?

How am I supposed to remember our love when I’ve slowly started to find out you told me little lies from the very beginning?

Trust. Honesty. Communication. A lack of these vital elements in a relationship have diminished our love.

Can it be fixed? I think so.
Will it be easy? I think not.
Are we both determined to make it right? That, I doubt.

looking out from the window

I’m surprised at myself that I managed to keep this – not so secret anyways – diary going. I don’t even try to read back what I write and just type it out when it comes to me, but it works quite therapeutic to get it off my chest. And it’s comforting to know there are some of you that are going through or have been through the same experiences.

As any woman would say, it’s complicated. Maybe we make it complicated ourselves, for the sake of others’ feelings, for the sake of love, for the sake of holding on to hope. I’ve mentioned my comfort zone a couple of times, I’ve mentioned trying to hold on to what we had. Do relationships come with expiration dates? Can relationships be saved, fixed and renewed, at all times?

When I look out my window, from what I feel is my glass house, I see the world pass by. Seasons change, so do people. And so do feelings.

Thoughts I once had, are coming back to me. I failed miserably at my plans of going to college, but succeeded succesfully in my work experience. But the thought about travelling the world, are becoming more vivid in my mind again with each day. Sure I have family in far away places, which we try to visit every other year, but I wanna see more… It can’t be too late to visit the places I see on Flickr, do the things people tweet about or meet people the way Facebook connects networks. To have the world in the palm of my hand.

My stomache turns into a knot, thinking of how I got where I am today. A ghost of who I was, a faint reminder of the woman I wanted to transform in to.

That can’t be good.

It starts to rain against my window, clouds turn grey and pack up high in the sky. Until I realise, it’s my soul that’s crying from the inside.

there you are

I catch myself picking up the pieces, hoping to solve the puzzle one day. Whenever I start putting the pieces back together, I hope to complete it but somehow I know more shit will be coming my way. Broken puzzle pieces, pieces that came off and got lost just to pop up unexpectedly again. Why’s it so hard to get to the complete picture? Why is there always something close to the finish line that throws us right back into a deeper mess? Why?

I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be in this downward spiral. I deserve a life that does not involve looking back and forward, contemplating if we could or could not. I hate the feeling of relief followed by stress, each and every time. The moments of relief are too brief to make up for the moments of stress. Why can’t you be honest to me? Why can’t you talk to me about these things? Come to think of it, you never did. Until it was too late, and I was there to pick up the pieces. Again.

It’s turned into a loop, a continuous loop. But I don’t wanna repeat the same damn movie every other year. If this is really who you are, then this is what you’ve let us become. We are supposed to be husband and wife, one entity, one front, one body. Yet, there you are. Tellin me lies, silently swallowing the words, holding on to your pride. I admired you once upon a time, I admired your perseverance, your passion, your dedication. Yet, there you are. Heading into the wrong direction, chosing to ignore the faint reminder of my voice, warning you of danger ahead.

We’ve been down this road before, but you don’t seem to learn from the past. We took this path together before, but it took us in opposite directions.

And yet, there you are. Wondering how you lost me along the way.

reality and fantasy

No one could ever understand what we have. Not even him. Right under his nose, my mind drifts off to places I want to see, explore, hear, smell and touch. But most of all, I’d like to explore you, open that window to see what our future could look like. Just you and me, living our life together. The details will work itself out, somehow, someway, like it always will.

But reality sets in too with each thought I work out in my mind. Inevitably. And it sticks out long enough to make me think that maybe what I have, might work out after all. Reality lets me experience those moments, those glimpses of who we used to be, together, as a family. It’s keeping me back from taking that leap into the unknown. Binding me down when I thought I had to break lose.

It’s a fine line between wishing what I could have, and wanting what I already got. Does that even make sense?

giving up

I wonder sometimes if he feels the same things that I’m feeling. I wonder if he knows how we go from here, does he even know we’ve reached the crossroads? At times I feel like giving in, giving up, starting anew and I try to imagine what that would be like. Obviously, I’m still stuck in a comfort zone and I need to set some pieces in the right direction before I can take that leap.

It’s hard to try and make it work, when part of me has made up my mind to let it go. Add the fact that he doesn’t tell me half that I want to hear from what he feels about us, makes it even more difficult to build on it. It works in some cases to strip everything down to its foundation and start building all over again, but how can we build if we even need to redo the foundation too?

tears of pain

how many more tears
would you have me fall down my face?
how many more tears
do I have to hide from your sight?

how much more anger
would you want me to feel?
how many more gasps
of despair do I have to hold inside?

I get so angry, that I cry
then I hate that I cry these tears
I can’t continue to feel
so many emotions all at once

For now, I choose to live in this misery
against all good advice
For now, I endure the pain
against all that’s right for me

Because I believe you when you say
you will make a change
Because I want to feel again
what we once had

betrayal of the betrayed

What is betrayal? What is betrayal if you accuse me of the things you do yourself? What is betrayal when there is no open communication in our relationship? I know that half of the things you do, you do not want to tell me as a means of protecting me when things go haywire. But is it worth it? Are there no other ways of earning a buck or two? Is this really what we are hanging on to? Means of making money rather than to collect our strenghts and face the world together – like we used to. You stopped being you and you stopped letting me be a part of what you are doing, because you feel like I stopped believing in you. Maybe I did. Maybe I’m being realistic and seeing that it’s not working. It never really did, because it created the mess we are in now, a mess that we’re in together and knee deep.

What am I to think? What have we become if we can’t trust each other? What is left of our relationship when we feel like we need to keep trace of each other’s steps behind each other’s back?