reality and fantasy

No one could ever understand what we have. Not even him. Right under his nose, my mind drifts off to places I want to see, explore, hear, smell and touch. But most of all, I’d like to explore you, open that window to see what our future could look like. Just you and me, living our life together. The details will work itself out, somehow, someway, like it always will.

But reality sets in too with each thought I work out in my mind. Inevitably. And it sticks out long enough to make me think that maybe what I have, might work out after all. Reality lets me experience those moments, those glimpses of who we used to be, together, as a family. It’s keeping me back from taking that leap into the unknown. Binding me down when I thought I had to break lose.

It’s a fine line between wishing what I could have, and wanting what I already got. Does that even make sense?

my comfort zone

Can you really blame me? I’ve been doing the same thing for so long that right now that’s the only way I know how to deal with it. I’m stuck in a vicious circle that I know all too well, but just too comfortable in that I don’t quite want to step out of.

Am I poisoned by his words? When he tells me that I shouldn’t resist what I love and have a passion for doing, when he tells me that I shouldn’t compromise who I am for the sake of a marriage because what does it really mean if it’s not really me? When he tells me that it’s not about being double-faced but the more about dealing with the situation the best I know how at the moment and not having come to terms yet with myself and who I am now or who I’ve become.

Is it really just a matter of just being together for the sake of our baby? Which results in excessive thinking and guilt that comes into play when I think of stepping out?

Is it?