Monthly Archives: November 2009

tears of pain

how many more tears
would you have me fall down my face?
how many more tears
do I have to hide from your sight?

how much more anger
would you want me to feel?
how many more gasps
of despair do I have to hold inside?

I get so angry, that I cry
then I hate that I cry these tears
I can’t continue to feel
so many emotions all at once

For now, I choose to live in this misery
against all good advice
For now, I endure the pain
against all that’s right for me

Because I believe you when you say
you will make a change
Because I want to feel again
what we once had

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betrayal of the betrayed

What is betrayal? What is betrayal if you accuse me of the things you do yourself? What is betrayal when there is no open communication in our relationship? I know that half of the things you do, you do not want to tell me as a means of protecting me when things go haywire. But is it worth it? Are there no other ways of earning a buck or two? Is this really what we are hanging on to? Means of making money rather than to collect our strenghts and face the world together – like we used to. You stopped being you and you stopped letting me be a part of what you are doing, because you feel like I stopped believing in you. Maybe I did. Maybe I’m being realistic and seeing that it’s not working. It never really did, because it created the mess we are in now, a mess that we’re in together and knee deep.

What am I to think? What have we become if we can’t trust each other? What is left of our relationship when we feel like we need to keep trace of each other’s steps behind each other’s back?

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deepest of the deep

Amazing how you see me through and read me like a book on a shelf.

Guilt keeps me from chosing wisely by heart. When I say that I hurt him, it’ll have me feeling guilty each and everytime and he knows it. I might have the courage to listen to my heart, but I don’t want it to end that way because I care too much for him. I care too much about his emotions and put it before my own self worthiness. Which turns into a dangerous game when the other person knows it.

It’s just strange that I’m not that person anymore, so there’s no easy way of breakin the news to him that I want to be a different woman. But I also know that I can’t live with that regret for the rest of my life – just that I can’t jump that hurdle yet. Which is even more strange because isn’t your spouse supposed to be the person in your life with whom you can share the most deepest of the deep regardless?

There are no second chances, only one life to live.

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how a mother feels

My lovely, dear, handsome son,

You are too young to understand today, all the things that has happened as of yet. And there is no easy explanation for the things that made me who I am today, or brought you where you are now. As you lay asleep, I think of you. When I’m at work, I think of you. And every moment in between everything else, you are on my mind. You are the only reason I get by every day, every situation, every issue that tries to make life unbearable. You are my sunshine, even though I can feel the tears down my cheek as I attempt to write this down.

I knew your name before you were born, then I gave it to you when the ultrasound confirmed you’re a boy. God gave you to us, born out of love, hope, dire struggle and a chance to make life come full circle.

When you were growing inside of me, you gave me comfort. I never had any troubles, complaints or pain during pregnancy. Not knowing what to eat day by day however, did. We didn’t have much, but we were confident things would fall into place. There were days, weeks, that we didn’t have anything to eat and I ate from the scrapes I could find.

Finally, towards the end, things started to come together but had to break apart first. I was fired from my job and accused, mocked at and made fun of. I couldn’t stand still and worry about that and took it as a blessing in disguise because they wanted to get rid of me anyway.

Then that beautiful house came our way. It was like moving from a box to a villa over night, but it was perfect for what our future wanted to look like. Then you came into our life, and especially you and me were a perfect team – right from the start.

I did what I thought was right, but I can’t live my life looking back and regret what I did. You are the best thing that happened to me in my life, ever! Honestly, I don’t know what would’ve become of me if God didn’t give me you. You are the center of my life, the reason I make myself a buck or two – just to make sure you can do whatever your heart tells you to do with your life.

And that’s exactly where I’m going too. I have changed, even though I might have never really changed but just suppressed who I am. Let me tell you this: never, never ever do I want you to go against your gut feeling. Never, never ever, do I want you to think you can’t do what you think is best for yourself – not even for the sake of sparing the feelings of another, be it your own mother or your girlfriend.

Follow your heart, be who you want to be, never let anyone tell you to set your own boundaries. There are no limits to the things you have to do to make your life in balance, enriched and better for you. That’s not selfishness, it’s what you owe yourself, for your own happiness. You can’t get happiness out of material things, you can’t even get it from someone else, you have to find it in YOU.

Just like I am about to. People may not understand at first, but if they look a little longer, they will see… that the sunshine is brighter from within you.

Love,
Mom

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liar, liar

Being with you, taught me how to lie – not to you, but everyone else. We were secretly in love, but you can’t fool those who know you better than yourself. We went on in denial, taking it day by day. Yet each step on the way, it drew me in closer, blurred my eyesight a lil more, deteriorated my rational judgment, but it grew my love for you bigger and bigger.

Most women would reconsider. Most women would pack up and leave. Most women would not look back, but regret and reminisce later.

Unfortunately, I’m not most women. I stood by your side, no matter what. I didn’t listen when I should’ve heeded mom’s hidden advices. It was you and me, me and you – no one could understand. Together alone, the two of us against the world.

That’s how we learned that friends don’t really act like friends. And enemies always have two faces, of which you don’t know which one is the real side. It’s how we learned that we could only trust each other, even when they tried to come in between with their sneaky ways.

However.

Today, we are far from those days. The walls are back up, the lies have started to come in. We… tolerate. We accept each other. But I feel trapped. I don’t blame you anymore – how could you if I don’t even know who I am?

I maintain what you and I used to know. Fulfilling my role because it’s supposed to be the right thing to do. So I lie, the condoned lies. Because the lies are the only way to hold on to what we used to have.

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how the longing takes over

Consumed by thoughts,
with a desire that defies reason.
A longing so strong,
I can’t help to wonder…

All it takes is a getaway,
away from everything else.
All it takes is that moment alone,
together and without having to say a word.
To look into each others’ eyes,
let the souls speak from within.

A gentle touch, carefully,
as if to avoid the inevitable spark.
Just that one second,
to feel if it’s really real.

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that day will come

How easily we went back to who we were, before the mess happened. How reminiscent it feels when I read back our chats from months ago. How amazing that it doesn’t even make me feel that guilty anymore.

You were never the reason to a possible break up. I was.
You were never the reason why communication was down at home. I was.
You were never the reason why I try to escape reality. I was.
You were never the reason that I feel estranged from the life I am living today. I was.

There will be a day, soon, that I will be a new woman. A woman who puts herself first, without compromising who I am for any one else. A break out from the life that’s going downhill today. That day will come.

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how i’m wired

I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, for the sake of a stupid thing called love, for a guy, let my sight get blurred, losing my sanity… and I hate it. But I know I will fall again like that, it’s how I’m wired.

I’m trying so hard to keep my crush out of the equation and plan out what I want to do if I do break up. I just hate the fact I let another guy show me who I could’ve been if I had taken that time to myself in between before chosing another bigger box the day I left my mom’s box.

I hate boxes.

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have to have

He tells me that he has to have me… that he’s coming for me and that’s a promise. I’d be his if he were close. He can’t even think about not having me, and even though these are his words – they are mine too.

We long for our day to come, our day that it’ll all fall into place. Soon. He’s willing to wait and is ready to make that happen because we owe that to each other but more importantly, we owe that to ourselves…

Bottom line was, he wants me, just as bad as I want him – whether it’s right or wrong. But I’ve come to realise that love does not reason like that. At all.

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