Tag Archives: world domination

lifted

All alone, yet I never felt so strong before.
I can feel the strength and creativity flow back into my vains.

No matter how much luggage I’m left with, I can solve it.
Because I am that woman.
I choose to be that woman.

What used to tie me down –
I’m letting go.
What I’ve carried on my shoulders –
I’m putting it down.

Exhale.
Open my eyes.
Smile at the world.

At last, I’ve reached my freedom.
Free.
To be me.

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falling out of love

We’ve been in non-communicato for so long, I forgot our friends and family would expect both of us to come over at their birthday party. Fortunately, they helped remind me by asking if you were working – which I used as the excuse for that night. I haven’t told anyone yet about what has been happening all this while, no one really knows even though it’s just a matter of time they will know.

For so long have I defended you, supported you, protected you, saved you, played along and lied for you. It has become such a relief not having to worry about you anymore, yet still part of me worries about you. Worries like I used to so many, many days and nights before. You were my world, my everything, I swear I thought I could not breathe in the air without you. It all seems so futile now, so insignificant, so… betrayed.

I do believe I loved you and was in love with you, just like I believe you were too in return. But I also believe this was meant to be, part of what was supposed to make us in life on the long run. There would not have been any other woman who could’ve done all the things that I’ve done for you, out of love, out of care, out of ignorance. A hope that I was contributing to helping you become who you wanted to be, because I see your potential, I see your passion.

Perhaps my purpose has been fulfilled, helping you do the field work to get started. I still see your potential, your passion and your drive to make a success out of yourself at whatever expense. Sadly, I will not be that woman on your side to see you reach the top and frankly, I’m at peace with that. You might still be angry at me, I’m sure you will be for a much longer time, til that one day comes you will realise I did it for the both of us.

The love we thought we felt gripped us around the throat tighter and tighter, all I did was cut each other loose. I don’t wanna drag you along with me, and I can’t handle seeing you drag all that shit with you either anymore. I can’t give you that again, because I have given it all out before.

I’m giving you the space to do what you feel you need to be doing, I’m giving myself my freedom back in return.

Sometimes I wonder, how could I not have seen clearly? The more I repeat the things you’ve said to me, the more it has started to hurt me. One thing I realised only today was you asking me who put these ideas and thoughts in my head, when we clashed last year. It makes sense to me now, even though you tried to blame my mom or someone else that I might have been talking to. It makes sense because your thoughts and ideas became mine, you were feeding me the words that I needed to know in your own opinion. That’s why you became suspicious about who else could be messing with my head, because you never imagined I could think for myself one day.

That one is gonna sting for a long time.

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open the gate

Clear the way, let me come through
Let me breathe in the fresh air
The excitement, the challenges ahead
Don’t ask of him, because I don’t care

I told myself this day would come
In patience I’ve waited for it to arrive
Leaving my excess luggage at the door
Can’t wait to take the wheel and drive

New faces, new destinations
I know there’s more to explore in the world
Tired of being too nice, too giving
It’s time to take and give back to the girl

The girl I never was, the woman I am
Growing up too soon, settled down too fast
Wiser than most would think
Yet nobody really knows about my past

I’m heading for the future now
I wanna travel and enrich my life
I’ll be a better person for me and my son
I’m sorry to say it’s not gon’ be as your wife

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no more waiting

It’s a new year, a new start, a new chance in making things better. I’m gonna stop waiting and start doing, fulfil my needs, chase after my dreams, keep on trying til I get it right. There are some projects I wanna dive in to, so I will make a year plan and set the milestones. I need to take matters into my own hands and make sure I get to travel alot this year, if necessary by myself. I’m tired of waiting, just so tired.

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looking out from the window

I’m surprised at myself that I managed to keep this – not so secret anyways – diary going. I don’t even try to read back what I write and just type it out when it comes to me, but it works quite therapeutic to get it off my chest. And it’s comforting to know there are some of you that are going through or have been through the same experiences.

As any woman would say, it’s complicated. Maybe we make it complicated ourselves, for the sake of others’ feelings, for the sake of love, for the sake of holding on to hope. I’ve mentioned my comfort zone a couple of times, I’ve mentioned trying to hold on to what we had. Do relationships come with expiration dates? Can relationships be saved, fixed and renewed, at all times?

When I look out my window, from what I feel is my glass house, I see the world pass by. Seasons change, so do people. And so do feelings.

Thoughts I once had, are coming back to me. I failed miserably at my plans of going to college, but succeeded succesfully in my work experience. But the thought about travelling the world, are becoming more vivid in my mind again with each day. Sure I have family in far away places, which we try to visit every other year, but I wanna see more… It can’t be too late to visit the places I see on Flickr, do the things people tweet about or meet people the way Facebook connects networks. To have the world in the palm of my hand.

My stomache turns into a knot, thinking of how I got where I am today. A ghost of who I was, a faint reminder of the woman I wanted to transform in to.

That can’t be good.

It starts to rain against my window, clouds turn grey and pack up high in the sky. Until I realise, it’s my soul that’s crying from the inside.

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take me away

I still keep thinking about him, because I can’t stop. I can’t refrain from having the thoughts I have. Sometimes I just feel like being whisked away, leave everything behind and let it naturally manifest itself. That’s one thing about it, we came about in a natural way, no wrong intentions, it just grew the way it did.

Take me away to another place, show me what you’re seeing, tell me what’s on your mind. Let me be a part of it all, so I can give you that push, or hold you back, or direct you in other new directions, broaden our views together… conquer the world. World domination, even though we both enoyoy the idea of living as simple as possible. That is… as long as there’s a laptop and an internet connection.

We have a getaway together, we imagine an island made of white beaches, palm trees and simple huts. Where we can just lay back, relax, enjoy and strategically execute the plans from there. If only… I can’t remember how many times I’ve uttered those words.

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