Tag Archives: faith

still in

We have only come to find out that the judge, the DA, the court’s justice and everyone else involved are a bunch of liars. It’s getting to 9 months that they keep you on lock down, without a case and without a trial.

I get envious of couples on the street, pictures on Facebook and weepy at movies. I’m crossing a thin line between sanity and a surreal sense of unbearable craziness. I’m sure the kids feel it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. Luckily, there’s enough for them to be distracted with. As for me? Distraction is difficult, moments of peace and quiet are painful, yet no one knows except my mom. No one.

There are times I want to share my heartache, my anger, my lack of faith in this country and its system. But to what use? Human beings can only dissapoint you, use it against you or look at you in different ways. If only they knew, is all I think about. I’m still here, still doing my job, every one else are just losers and wimps. They bitch and whine about insignificant matters, which makes it harder for me to not get even more angry.

If only they knew.

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what could have been

My life could have been perfect, I’m pretty sure my mom feels that way. She says she feels tormented on the inside to see me suffer the way I do. She does not approve of my husband, she does not approve the way I changed ever since I met him. She just doesn’t approve anything I did, have done or will do.

A long time ago, I stopped trying to make it right. I stopped disillusioning myself for the happiness of her or any other person for that matter. There is no way I can make it right in her eyes, besides, any measures to get back in line with her dreams have long gone. Sometimes, I do think I could have had an easier life, an easier way of living at least. Life and “living life” are two different things, ya know?

Unfortunately or fortunately – depends on how you see it – life has been… painful, tearful, disappointing, mesmerizing but fun at times. My childhood was carefree, common problems with classmates and friends, plenty of shameful events and plenty of fun times. in hindsight, it was the foundation of my conscience of being “different” or bi-cultural. It was very clear from a young age I’m neither one or the other, but always and one plus the other totally opposing cultures. A sense of pride is what I got out of it, my life was just so much richer, unique and made me find a place somewhere in between even though never really belonging to one or the other. Sounds difficult, but it worked out for me, in a kind of double-agent way.

But perhaps because of my sense of not belonging, I was lost. But definitely because of my dad passing away at my blossoming age, I was lost even more. The future didn’t exist for a long time, school was of no interest, fleeing into good times at the clubs with my friends was what I wanted to do. That period of my life seems ever-stretching but seemed long, because that backlash happened quite some time after my dad’s passing. My dad. My hero. A man of not many words, only the very necessary. The calm factor within the family home, opposite to the explosive and drama queen character of my mom that I just could never really figure out.

I still can’t deal with the explosive character of my mom. We have been clashing back and forth ever since that strong, calm pillar left us. I’ve thought of running away many a times, running away from a situation that I didn’t know how to deal with. Even up til today, I don’t know how to deal with it which is why I moved away almost an hour from our family home. Not too close, not too far. It felt liberating.

I have barely 3 weeks left to deliver our second child and just a few nights ago, she broke me. Again. Just like during the first pregnancy. But you are not here. I can’t crawl away in your arms, I can’t feel you hugging me, I can’t hear you comforting me. I can’t get to that feeling that the two of us can face the world alone. And that hurts.

I keep telling the baby to wait for daddy to come home, it can’t be long now. It has to be.

I could have had an easy way of living, I could have had finished my studies all the way, I probably could have had my own house, my own capital. But instead, I took a different road. A difficult one, very rocky, the type of road you have to go all the way down first before you can reach the point where it can go uphill. A lot of times we can see how high the mountain is, but we just keep slipping down. I know a lot of women in my position would have quit a long time ago, there’s no way a woman could stay this loyal, this understanding, this enduring towards any man. At the expense of estranging from the rest of her family, her financial situation, her frustrations.

Christmas is coming near, but it means nothing to me. A New Year is coming ahead, but it’s meaningless. I live by the day, hoping the baby will stay in place for a while. I try to stay strong for the baby, for our son, but when I’m alone and have a moment of silence, I break down. I can’t stop crying until I distract myself again with cleaning up, moving things around, watching movies. I search the pictures on my mobile phone to see you and our son, smiling into the camera like it was yesterday. It’s been two months.

I could have had it all, but only as an empty shell, with that lonesome feeling of not belonging. But I chose to belong to myself and to my husband, on a tough bumpy road that only seems to be going down. But hey, we can still look up and see the sky. Together with you, that is a mighty feeling.

 

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count down

Tick tock, the days go by
Every day creeps by for you to come
Tick tock, the world passes by
Feelings of uncertainty no one knows

I can’t imagine you not being here
Yet I hope the baby will postpone a while
Sights of the future are unclear
But we know it will be all right somehow

Suppressing the sadness I feel inside
Making me linger from one home to another
No one sees the tears I hide
Because I feel so alone all the way

There’s nothing left to do for me
I’ve put my faith in the hands of God
I’ll just have to wait and see
How He will put order back into place

 

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awakening

Is there such a thing as soulmates? What does it really mean?

All I know is, I felt a deep profound love for someone who gave me what I needed. Who gave me the feeling that I was special, who knew I’d give all I have and more just to make him happy. Just to show him how much I care about him, how much I believe in us, how no one could ever come in between the special relationship we were in. Just so I could prove I could care less about what other people had to say, how other people think about us, how much I don’t care about the things we surround ourselves with.

My heart has been shattered to pieces, my tears have flooded oceans wide and there’s nothing I can do about it anymore.

I can’t hold back the tears anymore, because our son is the ultimate reflection of what we had, what we used to feel, a mirror to the love that once was. He was born under dire circumstances, but conceived in the absolute belief of a connection so strong – at a special place and time. I still remember how I felt that night and I knew a child would be born as a gift for the struggles we had faced up to that very moment – God heard our prayers and blessed us with the most beautiful gift given unto man.

I can’t deny who you are, or should I say, who you were. I can’t deny the significant role you played from the moment you came into my life and I owe you so much of my life’s experiences. These experiences, these moments in time, they have made me who I am today. When I look back, I see so much that my peers are yet to face in life, so much that most cannot begin to comprehend. I thank you for that, I thank God for pulling us through all these years but I also have to thank myself for finally realising that my awakening is here.

I might feel alone, I might seem strong, but all I can do – just like throughout the whole journey – is to turn to God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

In the name of God, the infinitely Compassionate and Merciful.
Praise be to God, Lord of all the worlds.
The Compassionate, the Merciful. Ruler on the Day of Reckoning.
You alone do we worship, and You alone do we ask for help.
Guide us on the straight path,
the path of those who have received your grace;
not the path of those who have brought down wrath, nor of those who wander astray.
Amen.

(Quran, Sura 1, Al-Fatiha)

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no pain, no gain

What’s love if you didn’t take a risk? The risk to give all of yourself to the point of selfdestruction. What’s the point in fearing to lose yourself in someone else, committing yourself in a relationship, compromise your own selfish needs for your other half? What’s the point of living if you have never felt that endless pool of love, then have it rip out your heart to put you back into reality?

Love, live, life.

Then do it all over again.

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lifted

All alone, yet I never felt so strong before.
I can feel the strength and creativity flow back into my vains.

No matter how much luggage I’m left with, I can solve it.
Because I am that woman.
I choose to be that woman.

What used to tie me down –
I’m letting go.
What I’ve carried on my shoulders –
I’m putting it down.

Exhale.
Open my eyes.
Smile at the world.

At last, I’ve reached my freedom.
Free.
To be me.

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remembering

Reading my diaries from years ago, it was apparent we went into bad times head on together. Barely two years after we met, we faced financial crisis and that’s where it all began. I believed in you, your ideas, your promises. I believed everything would be ok, as long as I could hide in your locked arms – just me and you. Maybe I was in denial, maybe I wished for you to be different, maybe it was easier to go along.

I did some awful lying, fraudulous acts and it got us both into a horrible mess. A mess we were determined to clean up together, one way or another. As most relationships evolve, we were ready to take it to the next level and we got married and we got pregnant. I think it was too soon, too messy, too much. The wedding itself was nice, but disorganised and in the end an embarrassment towards the people that helped make it happen. It’s still hard to face them to this day.

I’ve let myself get astranged from my family, I’ve let myself hang on to someone who kept poisoning me with words and tie me down with guilt. Perhaps I did exactly the same back, because it was all I knew.

From marriage on, we went into the wonderful times of pregnancy. It was wonderful because of the whole process and knowing that our son was soon going to join us. I was fortunate not to have any complaints or difficulties during pregnancy, except for the first 3 nauseous months. I was fortunate, because there were actually times that we didn’t have anything to eat and had to scrape up a handful of cents and get the cheapest thing out of the supermarket and still split that 3-ways, for us and the baby.

People will only see what other people want them to see. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at others and how you think they are thriving. We pretended to be fine, we pretended to be who we are not, we pretended too much. It killed me from the inside, sliding me further down in the pit til I hit rock bottom.

I discovered that love is great, it’s wonderful and amazing. I know I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’ve also come to learn that if you really want unconditional love from your partner, you can’t. No matter how hard you try, how bad you want it, the only one who can give you unconditional love without pretends – is the One, God, the Almighty. People will only dissapoint you, even in love, intentionally or unintentionally.

But you know what’s still so amazing about love, even at its end? We can’t get enough of it, we need it to feel alive and there’s always hope that the next love is right there, waiting on you to come around.

Love hard, fall hard, cry about it. Then pick yourself up and love even harder.

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psalm 77 (amplified version)

1I WILL cry to God with my voice, even to God with my voice, and He will give ear and hearken to me.

2In the day of my trouble I seek (inquire of and desperately require) the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out [in prayer] without slacking up; I refuse to be comforted.

3I [earnestly] remember God; I am disquieted and I groan; I muse in prayer, and my spirit faints [overwhelmed]. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

4You hold my eyes from closing; I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

5I consider the days of old, the years of bygone times [of prosperity].

6I call to remembrance my song in the night; with my heart I meditate and my spirit searches diligently:

7Will the Lord cast off forever? And will He be favorable no more?

8Have His mercy and loving-kindness ceased forever? Have His promises ended for all time?

9Has God [deliberately] abandoned or forgotten His graciousness? Has He in anger shut up His compassion? Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

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catch my tears

They have come. No one is here to catch my tears from falling. No one’s here to see.
No one understands. No one will.
Everything to lose, but nothing to show for.

So many tears I’ve cried. So many times I felt empty.
So many times I thought I had run dry. So many times I felt I could never cry again.

What have I done?

Now, I am defeated. Confronted with the hole in my soul.
I am not happy. I want things to be different. Or intoxicating like it used to be.
Whichever one to make me forget what I feel right at this very moment.

The only comfort I have is knowing God could never burden my soul with more than I could handle.
But it’s hard. It hurts so bad. It cuts through me like a blunt dagger.

And at the same time… I feel you. I feel your pain. Your dissapointments. I don’t know what they are, but it’s there. And it’s not an extra burden, because they are my dissapointments.

(An extract of what I wrote on 19 Sept. 2008)

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