i’m actually ok

I got my shine back. People around me see it and they don’t even know about all that has passed.

I’m supposed to feel heartache, I’m supposed to be sick to my stomache. I’m supposed to, right?
But instead, I feel a better person, a better mom, a better colleague.

I can laugh even louder without the tension I feel in my shoulders. It has become a relief that I don’t have to hold back anymore, cautious and aware of what he would think.

Almost a month later, we still didn’t speak. We each don’t want to start the confrontation. Maybe because we both feel guilty, maybe because all has been said before.

Let me be and I’ll let you be. I’ll wait and see if you will be the bigger person one day – for a change.

I’ve considered many ways to make the first move. I have a letter waiting, I thought of showing up at the church to make it definitive with the pastor, I’ve thought of calling or texting you.

But I didn’t bother myself. Why should I? Why should I end the silence? Why name something that has already been defined?

Just know, I did not hurt you. You did it, all by yourself.

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