Tag Archives: anger

still in

We have only come to find out that the judge, the DA, the court’s justice and everyone else involved are a bunch of liars. It’s getting to 9 months that they keep you on lock down, without a case and without a trial.

I get envious of couples on the street, pictures on Facebook and weepy at movies. I’m crossing a thin line between sanity and a surreal sense of unbearable craziness. I’m sure the kids feel it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. Luckily, there’s enough for them to be distracted with. As for me? Distraction is difficult, moments of peace and quiet are painful, yet no one knows except my mom. No one.

There are times I want to share my heartache, my anger, my lack of faith in this country and its system. But to what use? Human beings can only dissapoint you, use it against you or look at you in different ways. If only they knew, is all I think about. I’m still here, still doing my job, every one else are just losers and wimps. They bitch and whine about insignificant matters, which makes it harder for me to not get even more angry.

If only they knew.

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waiting on that day

Two more weeks. It only takes two more weeks to hear the judge rule again. To hear him finally say the words to release you from an injustice, a discriminating system, glued together by power abusive guards and police officers. We will both not be present. The stress it causes you to take the trip to court, the stress of me waiting around and listen to the lies all of them tell, right there, in court.

I can’t wait for you to get home. It’s been more than 6 months. Waiting impatiently, not knowing anything. There is so much you missed out already with the kids. We miss you all so much, we love you so dearly. Up til now, I’ve not had the chance to cry because I’ve been trying my best to stand strong.

I just want you to come home. Be a family again. Hold me again.

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tough on the outside

You tell me I’m strong, but I feel so weak. Our baby is kicking inside of me, counting the last weeks and you’re not here. I need you the most right now, I can’t do this alone.

Will you listen to me when you come back? Will you be able and willing to let go of everyone around us for the sake of our family?

Friends don’t mean a thing, they are the ones that got you in to this mess. They are the ones that the police are looking for, but they are holding you for the sake of them.

Justice is not fair, at least not in this country. It takes an innocent man to be guilty, and the guilty to roam free as if they’re innocent.

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no fool

How dark the night falls without gazing stars
when the sadness overtakes me in my loneliness
I suppress the tears behind my eyes
that pierce me with every moment offguard
Every breathe I take to gain strength
weaken my soul on the inside
Helplessness feels worse than pain
and the anger brings more tears
People walk by on the streets
if only they could sense what I feel
But my face remains straight
knowing that I really can’t fool you, my son.

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falling out of love

We’ve been in non-communicato for so long, I forgot our friends and family would expect both of us to come over at their birthday party. Fortunately, they helped remind me by asking if you were working – which I used as the excuse for that night. I haven’t told anyone yet about what has been happening all this while, no one really knows even though it’s just a matter of time they will know.

For so long have I defended you, supported you, protected you, saved you, played along and lied for you. It has become such a relief not having to worry about you anymore, yet still part of me worries about you. Worries like I used to so many, many days and nights before. You were my world, my everything, I swear I thought I could not breathe in the air without you. It all seems so futile now, so insignificant, so… betrayed.

I do believe I loved you and was in love with you, just like I believe you were too in return. But I also believe this was meant to be, part of what was supposed to make us in life on the long run. There would not have been any other woman who could’ve done all the things that I’ve done for you, out of love, out of care, out of ignorance. A hope that I was contributing to helping you become who you wanted to be, because I see your potential, I see your passion.

Perhaps my purpose has been fulfilled, helping you do the field work to get started. I still see your potential, your passion and your drive to make a success out of yourself at whatever expense. Sadly, I will not be that woman on your side to see you reach the top and frankly, I’m at peace with that. You might still be angry at me, I’m sure you will be for a much longer time, til that one day comes you will realise I did it for the both of us.

The love we thought we felt gripped us around the throat tighter and tighter, all I did was cut each other loose. I don’t wanna drag you along with me, and I can’t handle seeing you drag all that shit with you either anymore. I can’t give you that again, because I have given it all out before.

I’m giving you the space to do what you feel you need to be doing, I’m giving myself my freedom back in return.

Sometimes I wonder, how could I not have seen clearly? The more I repeat the things you’ve said to me, the more it has started to hurt me. One thing I realised only today was you asking me who put these ideas and thoughts in my head, when we clashed last year. It makes sense to me now, even though you tried to blame my mom or someone else that I might have been talking to. It makes sense because your thoughts and ideas became mine, you were feeding me the words that I needed to know in your own opinion. That’s why you became suspicious about who else could be messing with my head, because you never imagined I could think for myself one day.

That one is gonna sting for a long time.

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sell me a lie

I used to believe in every word you said. I used to put my trust in you. Every time, you knew when to say what you needed to tell me and I was happy to wait a little longer. Was it really love that we felt at that time? Was it really?

Your control over me happened in stages, boxing me up with each fold you were making. Now, I’m just angry at myself. Angry for letting it happen, angry for letting it get this far. Besides that, I started to doubt if you meant all you said to me. Looking back I feel dissapointed if that is what love really is, an intimate game we played with each of our hearts at stake.

Looking forward however, it feels like a relief. Even though things will not automatically solve itself, I feel comforted with the thought that I have to carry my own weight this time around. At least, I won’t have to wait and depend on you like I did for so long, because now I can feel like I’m finally moving forward making my own decisions.

We still live in the house together, but we live like ghosts. It feels like we are living in parallel universes, that’s how hard we try to avoid each other. Just like you avoid the food I made. The mail betrayed you and told me you never came home from Friday to Sunday. You hardly sleep at home at night and I don’t see you except for the traces you leave when you did get home while I was at work.

You have set me free when you took your ring off, when you thought you were gonna hurt me instead. It doesn’t hurt me anymore, because we tried and it didn’t work out. I think we both just couldn’t give that anymore, that x-factor to bring back the relationship from the land of the undead.

Because we used to know each other for who we were. We used to know each other’s thoughts, each other’s directions in life.
I used to think you appreciated my input.
I used to know you as a man I admire.
I used to love you so, so hard.
I used to.

Believe.

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the beginning of the end

So it begins.

We stopped talking to each other for a few days now. We can’t even look at each other or be in the same space. Which is awkward when we happen to be alltogether with our son, who still believes we are the three musketeers with group hugs and kisses.

Today, I still didn’t make any approaches to you as we got up and got dressed at about the same time. Both in different directions.

Yesterday, you were still wearing your wedding ring but today I found it laying in the cupboard where you usually keep it with your watch when you go to sleep and pick it up as you go in the morning. Almost automatically, I placed my own wedding ring and my engagement ring right next to it. I never ever take my rings off, not when I’m washing my hands, taking a shower – ever. It surprised me I could take it off. Looking at my hand where the rings used to be, it has become whiter than my skin.

I know you’ll think you will hurt me by not wearing your wedding ring, but I’d like to see where we go from here once you see mine laying there too.

I’m just so tired of you controlling my life. I’m sick of your hypocrisy. I’m angry for letting things get this far. I’m dissapointed in myself.

Basically, I’m everything I thought I could never be. Debt collectors are coming in more regular now, today I spoke to one of them again about your outstanding amounts. Seems like we in the same loop again, just when you promised me things would be better.

I never should have given the ball back in your court and allow you to take me back. You wear your ring to control me, hurt me, please me and give me false hope. They say its a symbol of everlasting love, but your ring means nothing to you.

You just don’t like it that I don’t come to you, like every other time, telling you sorry and asking you to forgive – be it my fault or not. It was a matter of being the bigger person, but I don’t want to be that person in the relationship anymore. It works both ways and you’re pride never – ever – gave you that same sense and come to me and say sorry. In fact, the last time you told me you were sorry was the time you took me back. In total, over the past nine years, you’ve only been able to say that same word only a handful of times.

Which is fine. It doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m chosing myself. I’m taking back control of my life which has spiralled so out of control and into such dependancy on you.

I need to learn to depend on myself, so I can teach my son to do the same. I’d rather have him know he got a strong mommy, not an unhappy married couple raising him in a disorganised home.

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don’t wanna cry

I hope you’re quite happy with yourself
content with the way you lash out at me
I hope you’re very proud of yourself
proud of the pious man you claim to be

When your raise your voice to me
and hang up the phone in my ear
When you hurt me and wanna make me cry
not of sadness but anger, the same tear

My stomache has turned to knots
reliving the pain you cause me, then and now
My throat has started to close up
no matter how hard I try to swallow down

My head feels light and dizzy as I sit still
my eyes stare at the floor to make it stop
My heart is beating loud and fast
as I fight back the tears bound to drop

You told me about lack of respect
then tell me, how would you explain that in return?
You talk about denigration
when you make me feel this small and let me burn?

You tell me this is the last time
that I’ll ever do you wrong in your eyes
Not knowing how far you crossed the line
when you spoke those words of size

You said the weakest you ever were
was when you took me back in every way
But you might not even know, my dear husband
you sure do pay me back…

every single day

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apparently

Why do you leave me so embarrased?
Why can’t you see how much you’re hurting me?
Instead you turn the blame on me. You keep telling me I have no respect for you anymore to which I disagree, yet you keep making it damn hard on me.

We used to be one together, I was basically an extension of you, I knew your left from right, your thoughts and ideas now and to come. We lost that along the way. I’m realising I’ve started to grow a mind of my own, a being of my own, with my own thoughts and ideas. Maybe I’m not that traditional wife anymore, maybe I have changed from the woman you fell in love with. Maybe I’m just seeing clearer now than ever before. I’m seeing you, from a different side, much darker, much more stubborn.

Remember those deep valleys we walked together, to see the shimmering light up above? We walked in pitch dark, hand in hand, alone. It brought us closer together, stronger in our love. I remember the day you proposed to me… it still brings tears to my eyes. You told me exactly what I needed to hear at that time, you said it with all honesty too.

How things have taken a turn.

You say that for not leaving me that day, was the weakest moment in your life and you feel like I’m taking that to my advantage and boss you around. Apparently, you don’t see how you pay me back every day by embarrasing me, letting me down and to not even pick up your phone to dial my number every now and then. To me, it seems like you have taken me for granted instead, thoroughly aware and making sure to revenge the pain I caused you in those little gestures to sting me back – right in the heart. I can feel your poison run through my vains little by little as time passes.

Can’t you see how you’re killing me, every day? How you are the one that’s killing the woman you once loved so dearly? How you make me suffer for it, every single day?

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remember our love

Someone once told me, on their 10 years wedding anniversary, to remember what made me fall in love with him to encourage me in return to appreciate what we have together.

That’s easier said than done, I tell ya.

What if there were less common grounds in our differences? More arguments about nothing? Because we hold back on what we really want to say? Because we can’t seem to share our inner most deepest thoughts to one another? What’s a partner to do when you’re being deceived in the relationship with secrets untold?

How am I supposed to remember our love when I’ve slowly started to find out you told me little lies from the very beginning?

Trust. Honesty. Communication. A lack of these vital elements in a relationship have diminished our love.

Can it be fixed? I think so.
Will it be easy? I think not.
Are we both determined to make it right? That, I doubt.

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