Tag Archives: afraid

cry to forgive

I wish I could manifest the tears I keep feeling behind my eyes. I wish it could make me feel better in some way. I wish I could.

The tears won’t come. Perhaps I can’t, because I don’t want him to see it. Perhaps because I’m worried the neighbours might hear. Perhaps I just can’t. Or perhaps I’m holding back in fear of the pain.

Maybe I believe I cried too many times before, maybe because I don’t think the situation deserves any more tears. Maybe I can’t cry because I’m not ready yet to forgive.

A new love is waiting for me. Or am I waiting for love?

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day by day

Christmas went by fast this year, just as I had hoped for. We didn’t bother to indulge in dinners, late nights together or spending much time with family and friends. At least, not together. Growing up, I always knew I was different. Meeting him, I knew he was different. Put us together and we’re awkward, like a reggae beat in a catholic church.

We are, however, taking it day by day again. Just taking each situation as it is. Trying to see where exactly we used to fit in together, make our differences work together. There are ups but also downs, miscommunications and inside jokes.

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to help to keep wandering off in my mind. At times, I feel guilty for still communicating to him, knowing fully well it’ll jeopardise everything we’re trying to fix.

I find myself pathetic for not knowing what the hell I want, or not wanting to realise what I want. I find myself pathetic for letting myself linger between two worlds of the mind, not wanting to make a decision for myself, afraid of the pain and aftermath that’ll come either way. It’s sickening at times, how I even live with myself every single day, torturing myself, numbing me out from the reality, pretending. When really, one of the things I really hate is pretending.

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difficulty dealing

When I think of my son, tears start to sting my eyes. If only he knew, the struggle I feel inside. Even though somehow, I know he feels it too. A connection between a mother and child can never be scientifically explained, it’s just there. Subconsciously we can feel each other on a whole different level. His innocence pierces through me as if I were transparent, his joy lets my guard down and his blank sheet of life cuts through my soul.

How do you even begin to explain to your child what potentially lies ahead? Adults struggle with life, let alone children who take their first steps. Stay in my arms, even though you can’t all the time. But know you can always come and hug me, whenever, wherever, I’m here. To help you deal when it’s difficult.

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Be gentle, because you risk breaking me in the palm your hands. I give in with complete unwillingness and ignorance, at your mercy with a blanc mind. Numb to wanting to feel any emotion that is real, or any emotion that’ll help me see things clear again. A momentum that I fear to behold, fighting to feel my deepest desires.

You spoke of reflecting over the last 10 years and being happy at where you’re at. How it all went by so fast that you’re looking forward to the next 10 to come.

How I wish I could say I look forward to it too, but it did fly by really fast. When I look back I see a young girl, rebelling late, settled too fast and grew up way too soon. The last 10 years seem like yesterday to me. Them days of ignorant bliss have been long gone in the past.

Fastforward 10 years, today, here I am, fragile. About to break into a million pieces.

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pull me in

I can’t see you, but I feel you near
the sun reflecting on the water above
A pain on my chest, sufficating me
‘kick, legs, kick’ is all I hear in my mind

The more I struggle, the faster I fall
darkness lurks below me, calling
A sigh overwhelmes me, my body shivers
then my feet stop kickin

What’s the point in trying
because I know what’s happening
I remain motionless, shut my eyes
allowing the deep to get hold of me

Pull me in, deeper and darker
the silence around me is achin
It’s useless to get back up for air
because your love is drowning me

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Lets postpone what we feel. It’s easier not to identify what is wrong, what needs to be fixed or what can’t be saved in this relationship.

Lets postpone whatever big dreams we had together, the big plans we made, the future.

Why do you want to talk about taking the next step? Why would you even want to discuss something that I’m not ready for? Something you are not ready for even though you don’t know it? I talk about stability in life, to which you reply we always made it against all odds. How is that supposed to make me feel better, or confident in what’s to come?

You can’t even tell me what’s on your mind. Your leg is shaking of impatience, but you say it’s nothing. How can we ever get back in tune again if you’re still not willing to open up to me?

Maybe it’s easier to call it quits. Maybe not. So, lets postpone.

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what happened between us

We’ve endured many difficult situations together, because we had that love. That unconditional feeling, I supported you, comforted you, admired you. You gave me the same support in return, held me when I needed it, we had conversations til deep in the night. That was who we were, though.

What really happened, was life. A tough life, together. Struggles most couples don’t go through, or don’t go through together. Storms that make or break couples and their love for each other. Unfortunately for us, we’ve had more losses than successes. Unfortunately for us, life happened to us and we changed ourselves. At least I know I did. I keep questioning myself about who I am, if this is really where I wanna be and if it’s really the role I wanna play for the next 10 years together. The same goes for me being a night person trying to fit into a 9 to 5 schedule.

I go back and forth, up and down, taking everything in doubt. So many questions, that I can’t or am afraid of to answer. Afraid or maybe angry, that I might have – just might have – waisted so many years into knowing who I really am today.

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