Tag Archives: tears

still in

We have only come to find out that the judge, the DA, the court’s justice and everyone else involved are a bunch of liars. It’s getting to 9 months that they keep you on lock down, without a case and without a trial.

I get envious of couples on the street, pictures on Facebook and weepy at movies. I’m crossing a thin line between sanity and a surreal sense of unbearable craziness. I’m sure the kids feel it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. Luckily, there’s enough for them to be distracted with. As for me? Distraction is difficult, moments of peace and quiet are painful, yet no one knows except my mom. No one.

There are times I want to share my heartache, my anger, my lack of faith in this country and its system. But to what use? Human beings can only dissapoint you, use it against you or look at you in different ways. If only they knew, is all I think about. I’m still here, still doing my job, every one else are just losers and wimps. They bitch and whine about insignificant matters, which makes it harder for me to not get even more angry.

If only they knew.

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waiting on that day

Two more weeks. It only takes two more weeks to hear the judge rule again. To hear him finally say the words to release you from an injustice, a discriminating system, glued together by power abusive guards and police officers. We will both not be present. The stress it causes you to take the trip to court, the stress of me waiting around and listen to the lies all of them tell, right there, in court.

I can’t wait for you to get home. It’s been more than 6 months. Waiting impatiently, not knowing anything. There is so much you missed out already with the kids. We miss you all so much, we love you so dearly. Up til now, I’ve not had the chance to cry because I’ve been trying my best to stand strong.

I just want you to come home. Be a family again. Hold me again.

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what could have been

My life could have been perfect, I’m pretty sure my mom feels that way. She says she feels tormented on the inside to see me suffer the way I do. She does not approve of my husband, she does not approve the way I changed ever since I met him. She just doesn’t approve anything I did, have done or will do.

A long time ago, I stopped trying to make it right. I stopped disillusioning myself for the happiness of her or any other person for that matter. There is no way I can make it right in her eyes, besides, any measures to get back in line with her dreams have long gone. Sometimes, I do think I could have had an easier life, an easier way of living at least. Life and “living life” are two different things, ya know?

Unfortunately or fortunately – depends on how you see it – life has been… painful, tearful, disappointing, mesmerizing but fun at times. My childhood was carefree, common problems with classmates and friends, plenty of shameful events and plenty of fun times. in hindsight, it was the foundation of my conscience of being “different” or bi-cultural. It was very clear from a young age I’m neither one or the other, but always and one plus the other totally opposing cultures. A sense of pride is what I got out of it, my life was just so much richer, unique and made me find a place somewhere in between even though never really belonging to one or the other. Sounds difficult, but it worked out for me, in a kind of double-agent way.

But perhaps because of my sense of not belonging, I was lost. But definitely because of my dad passing away at my blossoming age, I was lost even more. The future didn’t exist for a long time, school was of no interest, fleeing into good times at the clubs with my friends was what I wanted to do. That period of my life seems ever-stretching but seemed long, because that backlash happened quite some time after my dad’s passing. My dad. My hero. A man of not many words, only the very necessary. The calm factor within the family home, opposite to the explosive and drama queen character of my mom that I just could never really figure out.

I still can’t deal with the explosive character of my mom. We have been clashing back and forth ever since that strong, calm pillar left us. I’ve thought of running away many a times, running away from a situation that I didn’t know how to deal with. Even up til today, I don’t know how to deal with it which is why I moved away almost an hour from our family home. Not too close, not too far. It felt liberating.

I have barely 3 weeks left to deliver our second child and just a few nights ago, she broke me. Again. Just like during the first pregnancy. But you are not here. I can’t crawl away in your arms, I can’t feel you hugging me, I can’t hear you comforting me. I can’t get to that feeling that the two of us can face the world alone. And that hurts.

I keep telling the baby to wait for daddy to come home, it can’t be long now. It has to be.

I could have had an easy way of living, I could have had finished my studies all the way, I probably could have had my own house, my own capital. But instead, I took a different road. A difficult one, very rocky, the type of road you have to go all the way down first before you can reach the point where it can go uphill. A lot of times we can see how high the mountain is, but we just keep slipping down. I know a lot of women in my position would have quit a long time ago, there’s no way a woman could stay this loyal, this understanding, this enduring towards any man. At the expense of estranging from the rest of her family, her financial situation, her frustrations.

Christmas is coming near, but it means nothing to me. A New Year is coming ahead, but it’s meaningless. I live by the day, hoping the baby will stay in place for a while. I try to stay strong for the baby, for our son, but when I’m alone and have a moment of silence, I break down. I can’t stop crying until I distract myself again with cleaning up, moving things around, watching movies. I search the pictures on my mobile phone to see you and our son, smiling into the camera like it was yesterday. It’s been two months.

I could have had it all, but only as an empty shell, with that lonesome feeling of not belonging. But I chose to belong to myself and to my husband, on a tough bumpy road that only seems to be going down. But hey, we can still look up and see the sky. Together with you, that is a mighty feeling.

 

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count down

Tick tock, the days go by
Every day creeps by for you to come
Tick tock, the world passes by
Feelings of uncertainty no one knows

I can’t imagine you not being here
Yet I hope the baby will postpone a while
Sights of the future are unclear
But we know it will be all right somehow

Suppressing the sadness I feel inside
Making me linger from one home to another
No one sees the tears I hide
Because I feel so alone all the way

There’s nothing left to do for me
I’ve put my faith in the hands of God
I’ll just have to wait and see
How He will put order back into place

 

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no fool

How dark the night falls without gazing stars
when the sadness overtakes me in my loneliness
I suppress the tears behind my eyes
that pierce me with every moment offguard
Every breathe I take to gain strength
weaken my soul on the inside
Helplessness feels worse than pain
and the anger brings more tears
People walk by on the streets
if only they could sense what I feel
But my face remains straight
knowing that I really can’t fool you, my son.

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awakening

Is there such a thing as soulmates? What does it really mean?

All I know is, I felt a deep profound love for someone who gave me what I needed. Who gave me the feeling that I was special, who knew I’d give all I have and more just to make him happy. Just to show him how much I care about him, how much I believe in us, how no one could ever come in between the special relationship we were in. Just so I could prove I could care less about what other people had to say, how other people think about us, how much I don’t care about the things we surround ourselves with.

My heart has been shattered to pieces, my tears have flooded oceans wide and there’s nothing I can do about it anymore.

I can’t hold back the tears anymore, because our son is the ultimate reflection of what we had, what we used to feel, a mirror to the love that once was. He was born under dire circumstances, but conceived in the absolute belief of a connection so strong – at a special place and time. I still remember how I felt that night and I knew a child would be born as a gift for the struggles we had faced up to that very moment – God heard our prayers and blessed us with the most beautiful gift given unto man.

I can’t deny who you are, or should I say, who you were. I can’t deny the significant role you played from the moment you came into my life and I owe you so much of my life’s experiences. These experiences, these moments in time, they have made me who I am today. When I look back, I see so much that my peers are yet to face in life, so much that most cannot begin to comprehend. I thank you for that, I thank God for pulling us through all these years but I also have to thank myself for finally realising that my awakening is here.

I might feel alone, I might seem strong, but all I can do – just like throughout the whole journey – is to turn to God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

In the name of God, the infinitely Compassionate and Merciful.
Praise be to God, Lord of all the worlds.
The Compassionate, the Merciful. Ruler on the Day of Reckoning.
You alone do we worship, and You alone do we ask for help.
Guide us on the straight path,
the path of those who have received your grace;
not the path of those who have brought down wrath, nor of those who wander astray.
Amen.

(Quran, Sura 1, Al-Fatiha)

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cry to forgive

I wish I could manifest the tears I keep feeling behind my eyes. I wish it could make me feel better in some way. I wish I could.

The tears won’t come. Perhaps I can’t, because I don’t want him to see it. Perhaps because I’m worried the neighbours might hear. Perhaps I just can’t. Or perhaps I’m holding back in fear of the pain.

Maybe I believe I cried too many times before, maybe because I don’t think the situation deserves any more tears. Maybe I can’t cry because I’m not ready yet to forgive.

A new love is waiting for me. Or am I waiting for love?

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intense sadness

A weariness overcame me today
I could feel the tension in my shoulders again
My way home seemed to go in slow motion
because I could feel the intense sadness

It was freezing cold outside
but I would’ve stopped at the lil bridge
Close to home, separating the blocks
just to stand there for hours

Staring at the quiet creek
taking a turn in the green woods
Where the bare trees brush in the wind
in the shimmering moonlight

The back of my eyes were aching
the wind felt even colder against my cheeks
I could feel my tears stream down
it might as well flood the water below

Until I heard your voice
cheerful, without worries, happy
You lifted me up when I was down
your sweet innocence echoed through

It reminded me of my strength
that you give to me unknowingly
The power to keep going with firm tread
so you will know you were my fuel

One day you will know, my dear baby boy.

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sad but true

I remember the days we looked into each other’s eyes and see the future right then and there. It was so clear, so obvious, so natural.

I realise now that we will never grow old together, never raise the child we conceived and nurtured from birth. We will never be that family. I’m not even sure if I will ever give birth again, even when it was what we hoped for – to raise a big family.

Our picture perfect has been shredded to pieces, scattered on to the bare concrete floor, whisked away by the faint wind.

We tried so hard, we believed so much yet we didn’t accomplish what we had planned. Separation was never an issue for us, which makes it all even more of a bitter pill to take. I have to start over, rearrange my life, my stay, my goals. Hand in hand with our child, down that road together, just me and him. A reminder of the time when you were a part in my life, a mirror of your face, an empty place in the bed where we used to hug.

A relief from the pain and sorrow that was breaking me a little more every single day.

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look ahead

When will the silence be broken? We’d have to make things ‘official’ somehow and somewhere down the line. I’d have to break the news to the people close to us. We still under the same roof – even though you wouldn’t think so judging by how little we come across – but I’m making my steps forward to find my own place.

Earlier today, I read a quote saying:

I’m stronger because of my pain, not because of my comfort.

It supplements the blog entry I read before that, describing how women  have great strengths that amaze men yet have one flaw: forgetting their own worth. To eventually find that out, it’s painful but I assure you, you will come back out even stronger than you would ever had imagined.

Even though I made up my mind to step out of this relationship and choose for myself and my son, to choose to get out of the chaotic mess which we try so hard to cover up to everyone outside, it still hurts. I just reached a point that I can’t cry about it anymore, because I have done that a lot before. Nonetheless it’s painful to know I can’t give my son a ‘normal’ family where the actual mom and dad love each other and imprint that back on him. It’s a reality check when he asks me out of the blue: “Where is daddy?” and I’d have to pretend and try to convince him that daddy’s working.

Can you believe it though? Me and him haven’t spoken to each other for a month now, but he has also not spoken to his own son for that long too. Now tell me, you call yourself a father? Or are you just being selfish and childish for not wanting to speak to me and neglect our son in the process?

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