Monthly Archives: October 2009

psalm 77 (amplified version)

1I WILL cry to God with my voice, even to God with my voice, and He will give ear and hearken to me.

2In the day of my trouble I seek (inquire of and desperately require) the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out [in prayer] without slacking up; I refuse to be comforted.

3I [earnestly] remember God; I am disquieted and I groan; I muse in prayer, and my spirit faints [overwhelmed]. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

4You hold my eyes from closing; I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

5I consider the days of old, the years of bygone times [of prosperity].

6I call to remembrance my song in the night; with my heart I meditate and my spirit searches diligently:

7Will the Lord cast off forever? And will He be favorable no more?

8Have His mercy and loving-kindness ceased forever? Have His promises ended for all time?

9Has God [deliberately] abandoned or forgotten His graciousness? Has He in anger shut up His compassion? Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

Tagged , , , , , , ,

what happened between us

We’ve endured many difficult situations together, because we had that love. That unconditional feeling, I supported you, comforted you, admired you. You gave me the same support in return, held me when I needed it, we had conversations til deep in the night. That was who we were, though.

What really happened, was life. A tough life, together. Struggles most couples don’t go through, or don’t go through together. Storms that make or break couples and their love for each other. Unfortunately for us, we’ve had more losses than successes. Unfortunately for us, life happened to us and we changed ourselves. At least I know I did. I keep questioning myself about who I am, if this is really where I wanna be and if it’s really the role I wanna play for the next 10 years together. The same goes for me being a night person trying to fit into a 9 to 5 schedule.

I go back and forth, up and down, taking everything in doubt. So many questions, that I can’t or am afraid of to answer. Afraid or maybe angry, that I might have – just might have – waisted so many years into knowing who I really am today.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

creativity from sadness

As I was reading her blog, I came across her “night sky” post. And I was just telling you that it’s crazy people feel alone in what they feel, when it’s really what every one goes through at different times in their lives.

Someone there commented by wondering how sadness brings forth creativity. You can reason about it all you want, but it’s really a gift from God. In happiness, we take things for granted. But when we lose it, we long and yearn about it to make sure we never forget that one feeling.

Call it sadist. Call it love. Call it inexplainable. Whatever it is, those who know, will know. Those who don’t, they will.

Tagged , , , , , ,

drowning in lost thoughts

There was a time I thought I couldn’t cry anymore, that my tears had dried up. So many nights before have I looked up into the starry or stormy skies, asking God why, why now, why’s it hurt. Losing my loved ones, lost my hero, losing my sanity.

The tears were back though, while I was laying sick and feverish on the couch, emotions overwhelmed me. Hurt me. Hurt me bad.

Lost myself, drowned in thoughts I thought I had overcome, accepted and dealt with. I guess not. They say wounds heal in time, but I think they never do. Some wounds turn to scars, and scars are carried for the rest of your life.

Tagged , , , , ,

my comfort zone

Can you really blame me? I’ve been doing the same thing for so long that right now that’s the only way I know how to deal with it. I’m stuck in a vicious circle that I know all too well, but just too comfortable in that I don’t quite want to step out of.

Am I poisoned by his words? When he tells me that I shouldn’t resist what I love and have a passion for doing, when he tells me that I shouldn’t compromise who I am for the sake of a marriage because what does it really mean if it’s not really me? When he tells me that it’s not about being double-faced but the more about dealing with the situation the best I know how at the moment and not having come to terms yet with myself and who I am now or who I’ve become.

Is it really just a matter of just being together for the sake of our baby? Which results in excessive thinking and guilt that comes into play when I think of stepping out?

Is it?

Tagged , , , , , ,

jeopardise everything

I folded, I was tempted, I gave in.

But I don’t think it’s fair to any of us that I keep going back to you. Back to what you represent. Back to not knowing what I really, really want. Jeopardising my sanity, my marriage – everything.

Tagged , ,

morning dream

I had a dream about you early this morning. I dreamt that I contacted you again and picked up where we left. Such a familiar and natural feeling…

I left the house listening to a mixtape that fondly reminds me of you.

God, I miss you.

Tagged , , ,

the thing about you

Often I wonder, what is it about you? What makes us connect the way we do? What is it about you that I can’t get from anyone else?

Maybe it’s what you represent, you represent what I could’ve been doing, who I could’ve become – if it were a different time and place. You know I admire you, because you do what you feel is right without comprimising. And perhaps that’s where I’m different today, because I had to compromise for the sake of being in a relationship of unconditional love. Or for the sake of taming my young womanhood.

I remember when you said that he wouldn’t even like who I would become, if I were to do what I wanna do or if I were to be with you. I think you’re right, and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I folded my cards too soon, that I’m making it harder on myself and him to turn things around. Change happens everyday, but the more I see that I’ve changed or long to change – the more I see that he hasn’t, at all.

It’s heartbreaking that I have to feed myself negative thoughts, just so I don’t go back and talk to you… again.

There are times I wish we did meet on the physical realm, because I feel like it would make things easier – be it for better or worse. I just feel so stuck.

We’ve come to know each other in ways we never expected, never dared to imagine.

I’ve come to know you as an amazing man.
You are my homie, for life.
You are…

Tagged , , , ,

different feelings

I’ve been avoiding to make a decision, a wise decision though, based on what my heart tells me, my gut and my instinct. All these different feelings that I’ve been having been messing with my whole being. Especially my head, but logics isn’t everything. That’s one thing love’s taught me.
Now that I am alone with me, myself and I – it’s even harder to put down in words. The past keeps repeating on me, but what’s sad is, I tolerated it before. Connecting to someone else on a mental level and nothing physical – I never thought that was possible. Yet, it happened. And in order to save my marriage, I have to deny that connection. Well, at least try. Will it be worth it? I hate having to choose, but I can’t have both. I can’t.

(August 18, 2009)

Tagged , , ,

take me away

I still keep thinking about him, because I can’t stop. I can’t refrain from having the thoughts I have. Sometimes I just feel like being whisked away, leave everything behind and let it naturally manifest itself. That’s one thing about it, we came about in a natural way, no wrong intentions, it just grew the way it did.

Take me away to another place, show me what you’re seeing, tell me what’s on your mind. Let me be a part of it all, so I can give you that push, or hold you back, or direct you in other new directions, broaden our views together… conquer the world. World domination, even though we both enoyoy the idea of living as simple as possible. That is… as long as there’s a laptop and an internet connection.

We have a getaway together, we imagine an island made of white beaches, palm trees and simple huts. Where we can just lay back, relax, enjoy and strategically execute the plans from there. If only… I can’t remember how many times I’ve uttered those words.

Tagged , , , , ,