Tag Archives: stuck

cry to forgive

I wish I could manifest the tears I keep feeling behind my eyes. I wish it could make me feel better in some way. I wish I could.

The tears won’t come. Perhaps I can’t, because I don’t want him to see it. Perhaps because I’m worried the neighbours might hear. Perhaps I just can’t. Or perhaps I’m holding back in fear of the pain.

Maybe I believe I cried too many times before, maybe because I don’t think the situation deserves any more tears. Maybe I can’t cry because I’m not ready yet to forgive.

A new love is waiting for me. Or am I waiting for love?

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shiver

The disgust in your eyes tells me enough.
The discontent that speaks from your body language makes me shiver.

You’re barely a glimpse of the man I used to love.
I’ve started to feel the turning of my stomache again, this time without the shame and guilt.

I made the decision, the right decision, not to go back again.

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the long road home

The silence on the street is deafening
the darkness feels thick and sufficating
All I hear are the sounds of my shoes
stepping on the cold bare concrete

I make my way through the night
to a place that I used to call home
Which has become an empty house
no soul, no life, just bricks with doors

You are never there when I am
and secretly I hope you’re not
We should not even be there together
because we parted ways long before

We endure each other’s presence
never speaking a single word
We try our hardest to deny the existence
of each other, by all means possible

My feet reach the house closer and closer
but my heart refuses to be there
Unlocking the door with the key
I enter the darkness of the empty house

Everytime I close that front door
it reminds me of where we came from
Yet we decided to shut that entry
to our hearts and our relationship
alltogether.

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don’t wanna cry

I hope you’re quite happy with yourself
content with the way you lash out at me
I hope you’re very proud of yourself
proud of the pious man you claim to be

When your raise your voice to me
and hang up the phone in my ear
When you hurt me and wanna make me cry
not of sadness but anger, the same tear

My stomache has turned to knots
reliving the pain you cause me, then and now
My throat has started to close up
no matter how hard I try to swallow down

My head feels light and dizzy as I sit still
my eyes stare at the floor to make it stop
My heart is beating loud and fast
as I fight back the tears bound to drop

You told me about lack of respect
then tell me, how would you explain that in return?
You talk about denigration
when you make me feel this small and let me burn?

You tell me this is the last time
that I’ll ever do you wrong in your eyes
Not knowing how far you crossed the line
when you spoke those words of size

You said the weakest you ever were
was when you took me back in every way
But you might not even know, my dear husband
you sure do pay me back…

every single day

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day by day

Christmas went by fast this year, just as I had hoped for. We didn’t bother to indulge in dinners, late nights together or spending much time with family and friends. At least, not together. Growing up, I always knew I was different. Meeting him, I knew he was different. Put us together and we’re awkward, like a reggae beat in a catholic church.

We are, however, taking it day by day again. Just taking each situation as it is. Trying to see where exactly we used to fit in together, make our differences work together. There are ups but also downs, miscommunications and inside jokes.

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to help to keep wandering off in my mind. At times, I feel guilty for still communicating to him, knowing fully well it’ll jeopardise everything we’re trying to fix.

I find myself pathetic for not knowing what the hell I want, or not wanting to realise what I want. I find myself pathetic for letting myself linger between two worlds of the mind, not wanting to make a decision for myself, afraid of the pain and aftermath that’ll come either way. It’s sickening at times, how I even live with myself every single day, torturing myself, numbing me out from the reality, pretending. When really, one of the things I really hate is pretending.

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remember our love

Someone once told me, on their 10 years wedding anniversary, to remember what made me fall in love with him to encourage me in return to appreciate what we have together.

That’s easier said than done, I tell ya.

What if there were less common grounds in our differences? More arguments about nothing? Because we hold back on what we really want to say? Because we can’t seem to share our inner most deepest thoughts to one another? What’s a partner to do when you’re being deceived in the relationship with secrets untold?

How am I supposed to remember our love when I’ve slowly started to find out you told me little lies from the very beginning?

Trust. Honesty. Communication. A lack of these vital elements in a relationship have diminished our love.

Can it be fixed? I think so.
Will it be easy? I think not.
Are we both determined to make it right? That, I doubt.

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pull me in

I can’t see you, but I feel you near
the sun reflecting on the water above
A pain on my chest, sufficating me
‘kick, legs, kick’ is all I hear in my mind

The more I struggle, the faster I fall
darkness lurks below me, calling
A sigh overwhelmes me, my body shivers
then my feet stop kickin

What’s the point in trying
because I know what’s happening
I remain motionless, shut my eyes
allowing the deep to get hold of me

Pull me in, deeper and darker
the silence around me is achin
It’s useless to get back up for air
because your love is drowning me

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postpone

Lets postpone what we feel. It’s easier not to identify what is wrong, what needs to be fixed or what can’t be saved in this relationship.

Lets postpone whatever big dreams we had together, the big plans we made, the future.

Why do you want to talk about taking the next step? Why would you even want to discuss something that I’m not ready for? Something you are not ready for even though you don’t know it? I talk about stability in life, to which you reply we always made it against all odds. How is that supposed to make me feel better, or confident in what’s to come?

You can’t even tell me what’s on your mind. Your leg is shaking of impatience, but you say it’s nothing. How can we ever get back in tune again if you’re still not willing to open up to me?

Maybe it’s easier to call it quits. Maybe not. So, lets postpone.

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looking out from the window

I’m surprised at myself that I managed to keep this – not so secret anyways – diary going. I don’t even try to read back what I write and just type it out when it comes to me, but it works quite therapeutic to get it off my chest. And it’s comforting to know there are some of you that are going through or have been through the same experiences.

As any woman would say, it’s complicated. Maybe we make it complicated ourselves, for the sake of others’ feelings, for the sake of love, for the sake of holding on to hope. I’ve mentioned my comfort zone a couple of times, I’ve mentioned trying to hold on to what we had. Do relationships come with expiration dates? Can relationships be saved, fixed and renewed, at all times?

When I look out my window, from what I feel is my glass house, I see the world pass by. Seasons change, so do people. And so do feelings.

Thoughts I once had, are coming back to me. I failed miserably at my plans of going to college, but succeeded succesfully in my work experience. But the thought about travelling the world, are becoming more vivid in my mind again with each day. Sure I have family in far away places, which we try to visit every other year, but I wanna see more… It can’t be too late to visit the places I see on Flickr, do the things people tweet about or meet people the way Facebook connects networks. To have the world in the palm of my hand.

My stomache turns into a knot, thinking of how I got where I am today. A ghost of who I was, a faint reminder of the woman I wanted to transform in to.

That can’t be good.

It starts to rain against my window, clouds turn grey and pack up high in the sky. Until I realise, it’s my soul that’s crying from the inside.

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distance and time

If it weren’t for the distance and time, I’d indulge in the sinful act. I probably would, because of my craving. My hunger for love, in ways I never dare to explore with him. I know what he likes, but I doubt if he really knows how far my mind stretches out to explore new ways of love, lust, desire and passion. Is it fair to hide a part of me, for the sake of maintaining what we have? Is it selfish to be the woman he wants me to be and which I am – most of the time?

It’s not fair, it is selfish.

If only he knew. I don’t think he’ll believe his own eyes, he won’t believe it’s me. I wish I had the courage to show him, but it’ll come to me in time.

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