cry to forgive

I wish I could manifest the tears I keep feeling behind my eyes. I wish it could make me feel better in some way. I wish I could.

The tears won’t come. Perhaps I can’t, because I don’t want him to see it. Perhaps because I’m worried the neighbours might hear. Perhaps I just can’t. Or perhaps I’m holding back in fear of the pain.

Maybe I believe I cried too many times before, maybe because I don’t think the situation deserves any more tears. Maybe I can’t cry because I’m not ready yet to forgive.

A new love is waiting for me. Or am I waiting for love?

shiver

The disgust in your eyes tells me enough.
The discontent that speaks from your body language makes me shiver.

You’re barely a glimpse of the man I used to love.
I’ve started to feel the turning of my stomache again, this time without the shame and guilt.

I made the decision, the right decision, not to go back again.

intense sadness

A weariness overcame me today
I could feel the tension in my shoulders again
My way home seemed to go in slow motion
because I could feel the intense sadness

It was freezing cold outside
but I would’ve stopped at the lil bridge
Close to home, separating the blocks
just to stand there for hours

Staring at the quiet creek
taking a turn in the green woods
Where the bare trees brush in the wind
in the shimmering moonlight

The back of my eyes were aching
the wind felt even colder against my cheeks
I could feel my tears stream down
it might as well flood the water below

Until I heard your voice
cheerful, without worries, happy
You lifted me up when I was down
your sweet innocence echoed through

It reminded me of my strength
that you give to me unknowingly
The power to keep going with firm tread
so you will know you were my fuel

One day you will know, my dear baby boy.

the long road home

The silence on the street is deafening
the darkness feels thick and sufficating
All I hear are the sounds of my shoes
stepping on the cold bare concrete

I make my way through the night
to a place that I used to call home
Which has become an empty house
no soul, no life, just bricks with doors

You are never there when I am
and secretly I hope you’re not
We should not even be there together
because we parted ways long before

We endure each other’s presence
never speaking a single word
We try our hardest to deny the existence
of each other, by all means possible

My feet reach the house closer and closer
but my heart refuses to be there
Unlocking the door with the key
I enter the darkness of the empty house

Everytime I close that front door
it reminds me of where we came from
Yet we decided to shut that entry
to our hearts and our relationship
alltogether.

making sure

It’s funny how I still open the closet to check if the rings we once wore, are still laying there – neglected and abandoned. The mark on my finger is still there, reminding me how committed I once was to not ever take it off.

lifted

All alone, yet I never felt so strong before.
I can feel the strength and creativity flow back into my vains.

No matter how much luggage I’m left with, I can solve it.
Because I am that woman.
I choose to be that woman.

What used to tie me down –
I’m letting go.
What I’ve carried on my shoulders –
I’m putting it down.

Exhale.
Open my eyes.
Smile at the world.

At last, I’ve reached my freedom.
Free.
To be me.

sad but true

I remember the days we looked into each other’s eyes and see the future right then and there. It was so clear, so obvious, so natural.

I realise now that we will never grow old together, never raise the child we conceived and nurtured from birth. We will never be that family. I’m not even sure if I will ever give birth again, even when it was what we hoped for – to raise a big family.

Our picture perfect has been shredded to pieces, scattered on to the bare concrete floor, whisked away by the faint wind.

We tried so hard, we believed so much yet we didn’t accomplish what we had planned. Separation was never an issue for us, which makes it all even more of a bitter pill to take. I have to start over, rearrange my life, my stay, my goals. Hand in hand with our child, down that road together, just me and him. A reminder of the time when you were a part in my life, a mirror of your face, an empty place in the bed where we used to hug.

A relief from the pain and sorrow that was breaking me a little more every single day.

look ahead

When will the silence be broken? We’d have to make things ‘official’ somehow and somewhere down the line. I’d have to break the news to the people close to us. We still under the same roof – even though you wouldn’t think so judging by how little we come across – but I’m making my steps forward to find my own place.

Earlier today, I read a quote saying:

I’m stronger because of my pain, not because of my comfort.

It supplements the blog entry I read before that, describing how women  have great strengths that amaze men yet have one flaw: forgetting their own worth. To eventually find that out, it’s painful but I assure you, you will come back out even stronger than you would ever had imagined.

Even though I made up my mind to step out of this relationship and choose for myself and my son, to choose to get out of the chaotic mess which we try so hard to cover up to everyone outside, it still hurts. I just reached a point that I can’t cry about it anymore, because I have done that a lot before. Nonetheless it’s painful to know I can’t give my son a ‘normal’ family where the actual mom and dad love each other and imprint that back on him. It’s a reality check when he asks me out of the blue: “Where is daddy?” and I’d have to pretend and try to convince him that daddy’s working.

Can you believe it though? Me and him haven’t spoken to each other for a month now, but he has also not spoken to his own son for that long too. Now tell me, you call yourself a father? Or are you just being selfish and childish for not wanting to speak to me and neglect our son in the process?

falling out of love

We’ve been in non-communicato for so long, I forgot our friends and family would expect both of us to come over at their birthday party. Fortunately, they helped remind me by asking if you were working – which I used as the excuse for that night. I haven’t told anyone yet about what has been happening all this while, no one really knows even though it’s just a matter of time they will know.

For so long have I defended you, supported you, protected you, saved you, played along and lied for you. It has become such a relief not having to worry about you anymore, yet still part of me worries about you. Worries like I used to so many, many days and nights before. You were my world, my everything, I swear I thought I could not breathe in the air without you. It all seems so futile now, so insignificant, so… betrayed.

I do believe I loved you and was in love with you, just like I believe you were too in return. But I also believe this was meant to be, part of what was supposed to make us in life on the long run. There would not have been any other woman who could’ve done all the things that I’ve done for you, out of love, out of care, out of ignorance. A hope that I was contributing to helping you become who you wanted to be, because I see your potential, I see your passion.

Perhaps my purpose has been fulfilled, helping you do the field work to get started. I still see your potential, your passion and your drive to make a success out of yourself at whatever expense. Sadly, I will not be that woman on your side to see you reach the top and frankly, I’m at peace with that. You might still be angry at me, I’m sure you will be for a much longer time, til that one day comes you will realise I did it for the both of us.

The love we thought we felt gripped us around the throat tighter and tighter, all I did was cut each other loose. I don’t wanna drag you along with me, and I can’t handle seeing you drag all that shit with you either anymore. I can’t give you that again, because I have given it all out before.

I’m giving you the space to do what you feel you need to be doing, I’m giving myself my freedom back in return.

Sometimes I wonder, how could I not have seen clearly? The more I repeat the things you’ve said to me, the more it has started to hurt me. One thing I realised only today was you asking me who put these ideas and thoughts in my head, when we clashed last year. It makes sense to me now, even though you tried to blame my mom or someone else that I might have been talking to. It makes sense because your thoughts and ideas became mine, you were feeding me the words that I needed to know in your own opinion. That’s why you became suspicious about who else could be messing with my head, because you never imagined I could think for myself one day.

That one is gonna sting for a long time.

ironic

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Alexander Graham Bell saidonce upon a time. And as I look upon a new day, this pretty much covers it.

A New Day. Could be a New Beginning. Closing chapters, start writing a new one. Flip the page and start all over again. I wish it were that simple. Sometimes you don’t wanna let go, because I knew it worked before. And there are times I give up and throw it away.

Maybe some things will never change. Yet maybe other things are meant to change. Why’s it that they say people don’t like change, when it’s what we crave the most in our life?

Something I wrote on June 16, 2009. That was before our make or break point last year, after which we decided to try and make it work again. To him, it was the weakest moment in his life to do so. To me, now, I’ve given his weakness back.