Why do you leave me so embarrased?
Why can’t you see how much you’re hurting me?
Instead you turn the blame on me. You keep telling me I have no respect for you anymore to which I disagree, yet you keep making it damn hard on me.
We used to be one together, I was basically an extension of you, I knew your left from right, your thoughts and ideas now and to come. We lost that along the way. I’m realising I’ve started to grow a mind of my own, a being of my own, with my own thoughts and ideas. Maybe I’m not that traditional wife anymore, maybe I have changed from the woman you fell in love with. Maybe I’m just seeing clearer now than ever before. I’m seeing you, from a different side, much darker, much more stubborn.
Remember those deep valleys we walked together, to see the shimmering light up above? We walked in pitch dark, hand in hand, alone. It brought us closer together, stronger in our love. I remember the day you proposed to me… it still brings tears to my eyes. You told me exactly what I needed to hear at that time, you said it with all honesty too.
How things have taken a turn.
You say that for not leaving me that day, was the weakest moment in your life and you feel like I’m taking that to my advantage and boss you around. Apparently, you don’t see how you pay me back every day by embarrasing me, letting me down and to not even pick up your phone to dial my number every now and then. To me, it seems like you have taken me for granted instead, thoroughly aware and making sure to revenge the pain I caused you in those little gestures to sting me back – right in the heart. I can feel your poison run through my vains little by little as time passes.
Can’t you see how you’re killing me, every day? How you are the one that’s killing the woman you once loved so dearly? How you make me suffer for it, every single day?
It’s exactly 1.59 AM when I start writing this post. I’d like to believe that am really just a night owl, like I’ve spent many nightly hours before I moved out of the house, spent behind the computer, inspired and creatively active. Maybe it’s just the coffee.
I was hoping to see a glimpse of him tonight, but the time difference sucks. I know he’s busy, pushing long hours on long days, he might be out, I don’t really know. I was just hoping, waiting.
Guilt free? I think not. But the longing, my oh my, the longing. Sometimes I wish I could just get a grip on myself. Stop the longing, start the waiting, let him long for me. But I know he is, that’s why I feel it. It’s the connection we have, that no one understands. Inexplicable, yes. Unbelievable? Yeah, that too.
My yawning gives away that I’m tired after all, guess it’s not the coffee. I know that as soon as I lay my head down, I’ll fall asleep. I hope it’ll whisk me away to our island, the place we meet where no one else can arrive, for us to be together and alone. I wonder though, how long we’ll keep this up. I wonder… how long love waits.
Christmas went by fast this year, just as I had hoped for. We didn’t bother to indulge in dinners, late nights together or spending much time with family and friends. At least, not together. Growing up, I always knew I was different. Meeting him, I knew he was different. Put us together and we’re awkward, like a reggae beat in a catholic church.
We are, however, taking it day by day again. Just taking each situation as it is. Trying to see where exactly we used to fit in together, make our differences work together. There are ups but also downs, miscommunications and inside jokes.
Unfortunately, I can’t seem to help to keep wandering off in my mind. At times, I feel guilty for still communicating to him, knowing fully well it’ll jeopardise everything we’re trying to fix.
I find myself pathetic for not knowing what the hell I want, or not wanting to realise what I want. I find myself pathetic for letting myself linger between two worlds of the mind, not wanting to make a decision for myself, afraid of the pain and aftermath that’ll come either way. It’s sickening at times, how I even live with myself every single day, torturing myself, numbing me out from the reality, pretending. When really, one of the things I really hate is pretending.
Someone once told me, on their 10 years wedding anniversary, to remember what made me fall in love with him to encourage me in return to appreciate what we have together.
That’s easier said than done, I tell ya.
What if there were less common grounds in our differences? More arguments about nothing? Because we hold back on what we really want to say? Because we can’t seem to share our inner most deepest thoughts to one another? What’s a partner to do when you’re being deceived in the relationship with secrets untold?
How am I supposed to remember our love when I’ve slowly started to find out you told me little lies from the very beginning?
Trust. Honesty. Communication. A lack of these vital elements in a relationship have diminished our love.
Can it be fixed? I think so.
Will it be easy? I think not.
Are we both determined to make it right? That, I doubt.
When I think of my son, tears start to sting my eyes. If only he knew, the struggle I feel inside. Even though somehow, I know he feels it too. A connection between a mother and child can never be scientifically explained, it’s just there. Subconsciously we can feel each other on a whole different level. His innocence pierces through me as if I were transparent, his joy lets my guard down and his blank sheet of life cuts through my soul.
How do you even begin to explain to your child what potentially lies ahead? Adults struggle with life, let alone children who take their first steps. Stay in my arms, even though you can’t all the time. But know you can always come and hug me, whenever, wherever, I’m here. To help you deal when it’s difficult.
Be gentle, because you risk breaking me in the palm your hands. I give in with complete unwillingness and ignorance, at your mercy with a blanc mind. Numb to wanting to feel any emotion that is real, or any emotion that’ll help me see things clear again. A momentum that I fear to behold, fighting to feel my deepest desires.
You spoke of reflecting over the last 10 years and being happy at where you’re at. How it all went by so fast that you’re looking forward to the next 10 to come.
How I wish I could say I look forward to it too, but it did fly by really fast. When I look back I see a young girl, rebelling late, settled too fast and grew up way too soon. The last 10 years seem like yesterday to me. Them days of ignorant bliss have been long gone in the past.
Fastforward 10 years, today, here I am, fragile. About to break into a million pieces.
I can’t see you, but I feel you near
the sun reflecting on the water above
A pain on my chest, sufficating me
‘kick, legs, kick’ is all I hear in my mind
The more I struggle, the faster I fall
darkness lurks below me, calling
A sigh overwhelmes me, my body shivers
then my feet stop kickin
What’s the point in trying
because I know what’s happening
I remain motionless, shut my eyes
allowing the deep to get hold of me
Pull me in, deeper and darker
the silence around me is achin
It’s useless to get back up for air
because your love is drowning me