Tag Archives: question

that guilt

What would you say if you saw me now? What would you do? I wonder, because there is no one to talk to. And I remember we could talk about anything. Even though it was wrong for me to do so, but talking to strangers is so much easier. Keeping it all to myself is so much harder to deal with.

But I just don’t want to feel that guilt.

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still in

We have only come to find out that the judge, the DA, the court’s justice and everyone else involved are a bunch of liars. It’s getting to 9 months that they keep you on lock down, without a case and without a trial.

I get envious of couples on the street, pictures on Facebook and weepy at movies. I’m crossing a thin line between sanity and a surreal sense of unbearable craziness. I’m sure the kids feel it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. Luckily, there’s enough for them to be distracted with. As for me? Distraction is difficult, moments of peace and quiet are painful, yet no one knows except my mom. No one.

There are times I want to share my heartache, my anger, my lack of faith in this country and its system. But to what use? Human beings can only dissapoint you, use it against you or look at you in different ways. If only they knew, is all I think about. I’m still here, still doing my job, every one else are just losers and wimps. They bitch and whine about insignificant matters, which makes it harder for me to not get even more angry.

If only they knew.

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tough on the outside

You tell me I’m strong, but I feel so weak. Our baby is kicking inside of me, counting the last weeks and you’re not here. I need you the most right now, I can’t do this alone.

Will you listen to me when you come back? Will you be able and willing to let go of everyone around us for the sake of our family?

Friends don’t mean a thing, they are the ones that got you in to this mess. They are the ones that the police are looking for, but they are holding you for the sake of them.

Justice is not fair, at least not in this country. It takes an innocent man to be guilty, and the guilty to roam free as if they’re innocent.

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curiosity

I still think of you. You still cross my mind. A closed chapter, bookmarked to read back every now and then.

Sometimes I still take a peek to see what you’re doing in life. And I wonder. I question.
But you seem happy. It feels you went back to your roots, back to a trusted place of love, hope, comfort.

I’d like to believe we both moved on. Yet, somewhere I’d also like to know if you still think about me too.

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awakening

Is there such a thing as soulmates? What does it really mean?

All I know is, I felt a deep profound love for someone who gave me what I needed. Who gave me the feeling that I was special, who knew I’d give all I have and more just to make him happy. Just to show him how much I care about him, how much I believe in us, how no one could ever come in between the special relationship we were in. Just so I could prove I could care less about what other people had to say, how other people think about us, how much I don’t care about the things we surround ourselves with.

My heart has been shattered to pieces, my tears have flooded oceans wide and there’s nothing I can do about it anymore.

I can’t hold back the tears anymore, because our son is the ultimate reflection of what we had, what we used to feel, a mirror to the love that once was. He was born under dire circumstances, but conceived in the absolute belief of a connection so strong – at a special place and time. I still remember how I felt that night and I knew a child would be born as a gift for the struggles we had faced up to that very moment – God heard our prayers and blessed us with the most beautiful gift given unto man.

I can’t deny who you are, or should I say, who you were. I can’t deny the significant role you played from the moment you came into my life and I owe you so much of my life’s experiences. These experiences, these moments in time, they have made me who I am today. When I look back, I see so much that my peers are yet to face in life, so much that most cannot begin to comprehend. I thank you for that, I thank God for pulling us through all these years but I also have to thank myself for finally realising that my awakening is here.

I might feel alone, I might seem strong, but all I can do – just like throughout the whole journey – is to turn to God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

In the name of God, the infinitely Compassionate and Merciful.
Praise be to God, Lord of all the worlds.
The Compassionate, the Merciful. Ruler on the Day of Reckoning.
You alone do we worship, and You alone do we ask for help.
Guide us on the straight path,
the path of those who have received your grace;
not the path of those who have brought down wrath, nor of those who wander astray.
Amen.

(Quran, Sura 1, Al-Fatiha)

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no pain, no gain

What’s love if you didn’t take a risk? The risk to give all of yourself to the point of selfdestruction. What’s the point in fearing to lose yourself in someone else, committing yourself in a relationship, compromise your own selfish needs for your other half? What’s the point of living if you have never felt that endless pool of love, then have it rip out your heart to put you back into reality?

Love, live, life.

Then do it all over again.

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cry to forgive

I wish I could manifest the tears I keep feeling behind my eyes. I wish it could make me feel better in some way. I wish I could.

The tears won’t come. Perhaps I can’t, because I don’t want him to see it. Perhaps because I’m worried the neighbours might hear. Perhaps I just can’t. Or perhaps I’m holding back in fear of the pain.

Maybe I believe I cried too many times before, maybe because I don’t think the situation deserves any more tears. Maybe I can’t cry because I’m not ready yet to forgive.

A new love is waiting for me. Or am I waiting for love?

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look ahead

When will the silence be broken? We’d have to make things ‘official’ somehow and somewhere down the line. I’d have to break the news to the people close to us. We still under the same roof – even though you wouldn’t think so judging by how little we come across – but I’m making my steps forward to find my own place.

Earlier today, I read a quote saying:

I’m stronger because of my pain, not because of my comfort.

It supplements the blog entry I read before that, describing how women  have great strengths that amaze men yet have one flaw: forgetting their own worth. To eventually find that out, it’s painful but I assure you, you will come back out even stronger than you would ever had imagined.

Even though I made up my mind to step out of this relationship and choose for myself and my son, to choose to get out of the chaotic mess which we try so hard to cover up to everyone outside, it still hurts. I just reached a point that I can’t cry about it anymore, because I have done that a lot before. Nonetheless it’s painful to know I can’t give my son a ‘normal’ family where the actual mom and dad love each other and imprint that back on him. It’s a reality check when he asks me out of the blue: “Where is daddy?” and I’d have to pretend and try to convince him that daddy’s working.

Can you believe it though? Me and him haven’t spoken to each other for a month now, but he has also not spoken to his own son for that long too. Now tell me, you call yourself a father? Or are you just being selfish and childish for not wanting to speak to me and neglect our son in the process?

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falling out of love

We’ve been in non-communicato for so long, I forgot our friends and family would expect both of us to come over at their birthday party. Fortunately, they helped remind me by asking if you were working – which I used as the excuse for that night. I haven’t told anyone yet about what has been happening all this while, no one really knows even though it’s just a matter of time they will know.

For so long have I defended you, supported you, protected you, saved you, played along and lied for you. It has become such a relief not having to worry about you anymore, yet still part of me worries about you. Worries like I used to so many, many days and nights before. You were my world, my everything, I swear I thought I could not breathe in the air without you. It all seems so futile now, so insignificant, so… betrayed.

I do believe I loved you and was in love with you, just like I believe you were too in return. But I also believe this was meant to be, part of what was supposed to make us in life on the long run. There would not have been any other woman who could’ve done all the things that I’ve done for you, out of love, out of care, out of ignorance. A hope that I was contributing to helping you become who you wanted to be, because I see your potential, I see your passion.

Perhaps my purpose has been fulfilled, helping you do the field work to get started. I still see your potential, your passion and your drive to make a success out of yourself at whatever expense. Sadly, I will not be that woman on your side to see you reach the top and frankly, I’m at peace with that. You might still be angry at me, I’m sure you will be for a much longer time, til that one day comes you will realise I did it for the both of us.

The love we thought we felt gripped us around the throat tighter and tighter, all I did was cut each other loose. I don’t wanna drag you along with me, and I can’t handle seeing you drag all that shit with you either anymore. I can’t give you that again, because I have given it all out before.

I’m giving you the space to do what you feel you need to be doing, I’m giving myself my freedom back in return.

Sometimes I wonder, how could I not have seen clearly? The more I repeat the things you’ve said to me, the more it has started to hurt me. One thing I realised only today was you asking me who put these ideas and thoughts in my head, when we clashed last year. It makes sense to me now, even though you tried to blame my mom or someone else that I might have been talking to. It makes sense because your thoughts and ideas became mine, you were feeding me the words that I needed to know in your own opinion. That’s why you became suspicious about who else could be messing with my head, because you never imagined I could think for myself one day.

That one is gonna sting for a long time.

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ironic

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Alexander Graham Bell saidonce upon a time. And as I look upon a new day, this pretty much covers it.

A New Day. Could be a New Beginning. Closing chapters, start writing a new one. Flip the page and start all over again. I wish it were that simple. Sometimes you don’t wanna let go, because I knew it worked before. And there are times I give up and throw it away.

Maybe some things will never change. Yet maybe other things are meant to change. Why’s it that they say people don’t like change, when it’s what we crave the most in our life?

Something I wrote on June 16, 2009. That was before our make or break point last year, after which we decided to try and make it work again. To him, it was the weakest moment in his life to do so. To me, now, I’ve given his weakness back.

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