venomous

Your words were like the venom of a snake, slowly taking control of me. Yet, it was another fall that taught me how to pick myself up again. I thought you showed me a new me, but it was my desire to reach out to the meaningless world that was of such strength – it placed you right alongside with it.

I am renewed, but in so many ways you will never understand. If only I could take have 2 minutes in your thoughts, to confirm what I already know.

You thought you could fool me, but I chose not to end up like you instead.

remembering

Reading my diaries from years ago, it was apparent we went into bad times head on together. Barely two years after we met, we faced financial crisis and that’s where it all began. I believed in you, your ideas, your promises. I believed everything would be ok, as long as I could hide in your locked arms – just me and you. Maybe I was in denial, maybe I wished for you to be different, maybe it was easier to go along.

I did some awful lying, fraudulous acts and it got us both into a horrible mess. A mess we were determined to clean up together, one way or another. As most relationships evolve, we were ready to take it to the next level and we got married and we got pregnant. I think it was too soon, too messy, too much. The wedding itself was nice, but disorganised and in the end an embarrassment towards the people that helped make it happen. It’s still hard to face them to this day.

I’ve let myself get astranged from my family, I’ve let myself hang on to someone who kept poisoning me with words and tie me down with guilt. Perhaps I did exactly the same back, because it was all I knew.

From marriage on, we went into the wonderful times of pregnancy. It was wonderful because of the whole process and knowing that our son was soon going to join us. I was fortunate not to have any complaints or difficulties during pregnancy, except for the first 3 nauseous months. I was fortunate, because there were actually times that we didn’t have anything to eat and had to scrape up a handful of cents and get the cheapest thing out of the supermarket and still split that 3-ways, for us and the baby.

People will only see what other people want them to see. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at others and how you think they are thriving. We pretended to be fine, we pretended to be who we are not, we pretended too much. It killed me from the inside, sliding me further down in the pit til I hit rock bottom.

I discovered that love is great, it’s wonderful and amazing. I know I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’ve also come to learn that if you really want unconditional love from your partner, you can’t. No matter how hard you try, how bad you want it, the only one who can give you unconditional love without pretends – is the One, God, the Almighty. People will only dissapoint you, even in love, intentionally or unintentionally.

But you know what’s still so amazing about love, even at its end? We can’t get enough of it, we need it to feel alive and there’s always hope that the next love is right there, waiting on you to come around.

Love hard, fall hard, cry about it. Then pick yourself up and love even harder.

apparently

Why do you leave me so embarrased?
Why can’t you see how much you’re hurting me?
Instead you turn the blame on me. You keep telling me I have no respect for you anymore to which I disagree, yet you keep making it damn hard on me.

We used to be one together, I was basically an extension of you, I knew your left from right, your thoughts and ideas now and to come. We lost that along the way. I’m realising I’ve started to grow a mind of my own, a being of my own, with my own thoughts and ideas. Maybe I’m not that traditional wife anymore, maybe I have changed from the woman you fell in love with. Maybe I’m just seeing clearer now than ever before. I’m seeing you, from a different side, much darker, much more stubborn.

Remember those deep valleys we walked together, to see the shimmering light up above? We walked in pitch dark, hand in hand, alone. It brought us closer together, stronger in our love. I remember the day you proposed to me… it still brings tears to my eyes. You told me exactly what I needed to hear at that time, you said it with all honesty too.

How things have taken a turn.

You say that for not leaving me that day, was the weakest moment in your life and you feel like I’m taking that to my advantage and boss you around. Apparently, you don’t see how you pay me back every day by embarrasing me, letting me down and to not even pick up your phone to dial my number every now and then. To me, it seems like you have taken me for granted instead, thoroughly aware and making sure to revenge the pain I caused you in those little gestures to sting me back – right in the heart. I can feel your poison run through my vains little by little as time passes.

Can’t you see how you’re killing me, every day? How you are the one that’s killing the woman you once loved so dearly? How you make me suffer for it, every single day?

my comfort zone

Can you really blame me? I’ve been doing the same thing for so long that right now that’s the only way I know how to deal with it. I’m stuck in a vicious circle that I know all too well, but just too comfortable in that I don’t quite want to step out of.

Am I poisoned by his words? When he tells me that I shouldn’t resist what I love and have a passion for doing, when he tells me that I shouldn’t compromise who I am for the sake of a marriage because what does it really mean if it’s not really me? When he tells me that it’s not about being double-faced but the more about dealing with the situation the best I know how at the moment and not having come to terms yet with myself and who I am now or who I’ve become.

Is it really just a matter of just being together for the sake of our baby? Which results in excessive thinking and guilt that comes into play when I think of stepping out?

Is it?