Tag Archives: doubt

ironic

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Alexander Graham Bell saidonce upon a time. And as I look upon a new day, this pretty much covers it.

A New Day. Could be a New Beginning. Closing chapters, start writing a new one. Flip the page and start all over again. I wish it were that simple. Sometimes you don’t wanna let go, because I knew it worked before. And there are times I give up and throw it away.

Maybe some things will never change. Yet maybe other things are meant to change. Why’s it that they say people don’t like change, when it’s what we crave the most in our life?

Something I wrote on June 16, 2009. That was before our make or break point last year, after which we decided to try and make it work again. To him, it was the weakest moment in his life to do so. To me, now, I’ve given his weakness back.

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remembering

Reading my diaries from years ago, it was apparent we went into bad times head on together. Barely two years after we met, we faced financial crisis and that’s where it all began. I believed in you, your ideas, your promises. I believed everything would be ok, as long as I could hide in your locked arms – just me and you. Maybe I was in denial, maybe I wished for you to be different, maybe it was easier to go along.

I did some awful lying, fraudulous acts and it got us both into a horrible mess. A mess we were determined to clean up together, one way or another. As most relationships evolve, we were ready to take it to the next level and we got married and we got pregnant. I think it was too soon, too messy, too much. The wedding itself was nice, but disorganised and in the end an embarrassment towards the people that helped make it happen. It’s still hard to face them to this day.

I’ve let myself get astranged from my family, I’ve let myself hang on to someone who kept poisoning me with words and tie me down with guilt. Perhaps I did exactly the same back, because it was all I knew.

From marriage on, we went into the wonderful times of pregnancy. It was wonderful because of the whole process and knowing that our son was soon going to join us. I was fortunate not to have any complaints or difficulties during pregnancy, except for the first 3 nauseous months. I was fortunate, because there were actually times that we didn’t have anything to eat and had to scrape up a handful of cents and get the cheapest thing out of the supermarket and still split that 3-ways, for us and the baby.

People will only see what other people want them to see. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at others and how you think they are thriving. We pretended to be fine, we pretended to be who we are not, we pretended too much. It killed me from the inside, sliding me further down in the pit til I hit rock bottom.

I discovered that love is great, it’s wonderful and amazing. I know I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’ve also come to learn that if you really want unconditional love from your partner, you can’t. No matter how hard you try, how bad you want it, the only one who can give you unconditional love without pretends – is the One, God, the Almighty. People will only dissapoint you, even in love, intentionally or unintentionally.

But you know what’s still so amazing about love, even at its end? We can’t get enough of it, we need it to feel alive and there’s always hope that the next love is right there, waiting on you to come around.

Love hard, fall hard, cry about it. Then pick yourself up and love even harder.

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day by day

Christmas went by fast this year, just as I had hoped for. We didn’t bother to indulge in dinners, late nights together or spending much time with family and friends. At least, not together. Growing up, I always knew I was different. Meeting him, I knew he was different. Put us together and we’re awkward, like a reggae beat in a catholic church.

We are, however, taking it day by day again. Just taking each situation as it is. Trying to see where exactly we used to fit in together, make our differences work together. There are ups but also downs, miscommunications and inside jokes.

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to help to keep wandering off in my mind. At times, I feel guilty for still communicating to him, knowing fully well it’ll jeopardise everything we’re trying to fix.

I find myself pathetic for not knowing what the hell I want, or not wanting to realise what I want. I find myself pathetic for letting myself linger between two worlds of the mind, not wanting to make a decision for myself, afraid of the pain and aftermath that’ll come either way. It’s sickening at times, how I even live with myself every single day, torturing myself, numbing me out from the reality, pretending. When really, one of the things I really hate is pretending.

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remember our love

Someone once told me, on their 10 years wedding anniversary, to remember what made me fall in love with him to encourage me in return to appreciate what we have together.

That’s easier said than done, I tell ya.

What if there were less common grounds in our differences? More arguments about nothing? Because we hold back on what we really want to say? Because we can’t seem to share our inner most deepest thoughts to one another? What’s a partner to do when you’re being deceived in the relationship with secrets untold?

How am I supposed to remember our love when I’ve slowly started to find out you told me little lies from the very beginning?

Trust. Honesty. Communication. A lack of these vital elements in a relationship have diminished our love.

Can it be fixed? I think so.
Will it be easy? I think not.
Are we both determined to make it right? That, I doubt.

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postpone

Lets postpone what we feel. It’s easier not to identify what is wrong, what needs to be fixed or what can’t be saved in this relationship.

Lets postpone whatever big dreams we had together, the big plans we made, the future.

Why do you want to talk about taking the next step? Why would you even want to discuss something that I’m not ready for? Something you are not ready for even though you don’t know it? I talk about stability in life, to which you reply we always made it against all odds. How is that supposed to make me feel better, or confident in what’s to come?

You can’t even tell me what’s on your mind. Your leg is shaking of impatience, but you say it’s nothing. How can we ever get back in tune again if you’re still not willing to open up to me?

Maybe it’s easier to call it quits. Maybe not. So, lets postpone.

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looking out from the window

I’m surprised at myself that I managed to keep this – not so secret anyways – diary going. I don’t even try to read back what I write and just type it out when it comes to me, but it works quite therapeutic to get it off my chest. And it’s comforting to know there are some of you that are going through or have been through the same experiences.

As any woman would say, it’s complicated. Maybe we make it complicated ourselves, for the sake of others’ feelings, for the sake of love, for the sake of holding on to hope. I’ve mentioned my comfort zone a couple of times, I’ve mentioned trying to hold on to what we had. Do relationships come with expiration dates? Can relationships be saved, fixed and renewed, at all times?

When I look out my window, from what I feel is my glass house, I see the world pass by. Seasons change, so do people. And so do feelings.

Thoughts I once had, are coming back to me. I failed miserably at my plans of going to college, but succeeded succesfully in my work experience. But the thought about travelling the world, are becoming more vivid in my mind again with each day. Sure I have family in far away places, which we try to visit every other year, but I wanna see more… It can’t be too late to visit the places I see on Flickr, do the things people tweet about or meet people the way Facebook connects networks. To have the world in the palm of my hand.

My stomache turns into a knot, thinking of how I got where I am today. A ghost of who I was, a faint reminder of the woman I wanted to transform in to.

That can’t be good.

It starts to rain against my window, clouds turn grey and pack up high in the sky. Until I realise, it’s my soul that’s crying from the inside.

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there you are

I catch myself picking up the pieces, hoping to solve the puzzle one day. Whenever I start putting the pieces back together, I hope to complete it but somehow I know more shit will be coming my way. Broken puzzle pieces, pieces that came off and got lost just to pop up unexpectedly again. Why’s it so hard to get to the complete picture? Why is there always something close to the finish line that throws us right back into a deeper mess? Why?

I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be in this downward spiral. I deserve a life that does not involve looking back and forward, contemplating if we could or could not. I hate the feeling of relief followed by stress, each and every time. The moments of relief are too brief to make up for the moments of stress. Why can’t you be honest to me? Why can’t you talk to me about these things? Come to think of it, you never did. Until it was too late, and I was there to pick up the pieces. Again.

It’s turned into a loop, a continuous loop. But I don’t wanna repeat the same damn movie every other year. If this is really who you are, then this is what you’ve let us become. We are supposed to be husband and wife, one entity, one front, one body. Yet, there you are. Tellin me lies, silently swallowing the words, holding on to your pride. I admired you once upon a time, I admired your perseverance, your passion, your dedication. Yet, there you are. Heading into the wrong direction, chosing to ignore the faint reminder of my voice, warning you of danger ahead.

We’ve been down this road before, but you don’t seem to learn from the past. We took this path together before, but it took us in opposite directions.

And yet, there you are. Wondering how you lost me along the way.

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reality and fantasy

No one could ever understand what we have. Not even him. Right under his nose, my mind drifts off to places I want to see, explore, hear, smell and touch. But most of all, I’d like to explore you, open that window to see what our future could look like. Just you and me, living our life together. The details will work itself out, somehow, someway, like it always will.

But reality sets in too with each thought I work out in my mind. Inevitably. And it sticks out long enough to make me think that maybe what I have, might work out after all. Reality lets me experience those moments, those glimpses of who we used to be, together, as a family. It’s keeping me back from taking that leap into the unknown. Binding me down when I thought I had to break lose.

It’s a fine line between wishing what I could have, and wanting what I already got. Does that even make sense?

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giving up

I wonder sometimes if he feels the same things that I’m feeling. I wonder if he knows how we go from here, does he even know we’ve reached the crossroads? At times I feel like giving in, giving up, starting anew and I try to imagine what that would be like. Obviously, I’m still stuck in a comfort zone and I need to set some pieces in the right direction before I can take that leap.

It’s hard to try and make it work, when part of me has made up my mind to let it go. Add the fact that he doesn’t tell me half that I want to hear from what he feels about us, makes it even more difficult to build on it. It works in some cases to strip everything down to its foundation and start building all over again, but how can we build if we even need to redo the foundation too?

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tears of pain

how many more tears
would you have me fall down my face?
how many more tears
do I have to hide from your sight?

how much more anger
would you want me to feel?
how many more gasps
of despair do I have to hold inside?

I get so angry, that I cry
then I hate that I cry these tears
I can’t continue to feel
so many emotions all at once

For now, I choose to live in this misery
against all good advice
For now, I endure the pain
against all that’s right for me

Because I believe you when you say
you will make a change
Because I want to feel again
what we once had

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