how a mother feels

My lovely, dear, handsome son,

You are too young to understand today, all the things that has happened as of yet. And there is no easy explanation for the things that made me who I am today, or brought you where you are now. As you lay asleep, I think of you. When I’m at work, I think of you. And every moment in between everything else, you are on my mind. You are the only reason I get by every day, every situation, every issue that tries to make life unbearable. You are my sunshine, even though I can feel the tears down my cheek as I attempt to write this down.

I knew your name before you were born, then I gave it to you when the ultrasound confirmed you’re a boy. God gave you to us, born out of love, hope, dire struggle and a chance to make life come full circle.

When you were growing inside of me, you gave me comfort. I never had any troubles, complaints or pain during pregnancy. Not knowing what to eat day by day however, did. We didn’t have much, but we were confident things would fall into place. There were days, weeks, that we didn’t have anything to eat and I ate from the scrapes I could find.

Finally, towards the end, things started to come together but had to break apart first. I was fired from my job and accused, mocked at and made fun of. I couldn’t stand still and worry about that and took it as a blessing in disguise because they wanted to get rid of me anyway.

Then that beautiful house came our way. It was like moving from a box to a villa over night, but it was perfect for what our future wanted to look like. Then you came into our life, and especially you and me were a perfect team – right from the start.

I did what I thought was right, but I can’t live my life looking back and regret what I did. You are the best thing that happened to me in my life, ever! Honestly, I don’t know what would’ve become of me if God didn’t give me you. You are the center of my life, the reason I make myself a buck or two – just to make sure you can do whatever your heart tells you to do with your life.

And that’s exactly where I’m going too. I have changed, even though I might have never really changed but just suppressed who I am. Let me tell you this: never, never ever do I want you to go against your gut feeling. Never, never ever, do I want you to think you can’t do what you think is best for yourself – not even for the sake of sparing the feelings of another, be it your own mother or your girlfriend.

Follow your heart, be who you want to be, never let anyone tell you to set your own boundaries. There are no limits to the things you have to do to make your life in balance, enriched and better for you. That’s not selfishness, it’s what you owe yourself, for your own happiness. You can’t get happiness out of material things, you can’t even get it from someone else, you have to find it in YOU.

Just like I am about to. People may not understand at first, but if they look a little longer, they will see… that the sunshine is brighter from within you.

Love,
Mom