Tag Archives: jeopardise

don’t wanna cry

I hope you’re quite happy with yourself
content with the way you lash out at me
I hope you’re very proud of yourself
proud of the pious man you claim to be

When your raise your voice to me
and hang up the phone in my ear
When you hurt me and wanna make me cry
not of sadness but anger, the same tear

My stomache has turned to knots
reliving the pain you cause me, then and now
My throat has started to close up
no matter how hard I try to swallow down

My head feels light and dizzy as I sit still
my eyes stare at the floor to make it stop
My heart is beating loud and fast
as I fight back the tears bound to drop

You told me about lack of respect
then tell me, how would you explain that in return?
You talk about denigration
when you make me feel this small and let me burn?

You tell me this is the last time
that I’ll ever do you wrong in your eyes
Not knowing how far you crossed the line
when you spoke those words of size

You said the weakest you ever were
was when you took me back in every way
But you might not even know, my dear husband
you sure do pay me back…

every single day

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day by day

Christmas went by fast this year, just as I had hoped for. We didn’t bother to indulge in dinners, late nights together or spending much time with family and friends. At least, not together. Growing up, I always knew I was different. Meeting him, I knew he was different. Put us together and we’re awkward, like a reggae beat in a catholic church.

We are, however, taking it day by day again. Just taking each situation as it is. Trying to see where exactly we used to fit in together, make our differences work together. There are ups but also downs, miscommunications and inside jokes.

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to help to keep wandering off in my mind. At times, I feel guilty for still communicating to him, knowing fully well it’ll jeopardise everything we’re trying to fix.

I find myself pathetic for not knowing what the hell I want, or not wanting to realise what I want. I find myself pathetic for letting myself linger between two worlds of the mind, not wanting to make a decision for myself, afraid of the pain and aftermath that’ll come either way. It’s sickening at times, how I even live with myself every single day, torturing myself, numbing me out from the reality, pretending. When really, one of the things I really hate is pretending.

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jeopardise everything

I folded, I was tempted, I gave in.

But I don’t think it’s fair to any of us that I keep going back to you. Back to what you represent. Back to not knowing what I really, really want. Jeopardising my sanity, my marriage – everything.

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