what could have been

My life could have been perfect, I’m pretty sure my mom feels that way. She says she feels tormented on the inside to see me suffer the way I do. She does not approve of my husband, she does not approve the way I changed ever since I met him. She just doesn’t approve anything I did, have done or will do.

A long time ago, I stopped trying to make it right. I stopped disillusioning myself for the happiness of her or any other person for that matter. There is no way I can make it right in her eyes, besides, any measures to get back in line with her dreams have long gone. Sometimes, I do think I could have had an easier life, an easier way of living at least. Life and “living life” are two different things, ya know?

Unfortunately or fortunately – depends on how you see it – life has been… painful, tearful, disappointing, mesmerizing but fun at times. My childhood was carefree, common problems with classmates and friends, plenty of shameful events and plenty of fun times. in hindsight, it was the foundation of my conscience of being “different” or bi-cultural. It was very clear from a young age I’m neither one or the other, but always and one plus the other totally opposing cultures. A sense of pride is what I got out of it, my life was just so much richer, unique and made me find a place somewhere in between even though never really belonging to one or the other. Sounds difficult, but it worked out for me, in a kind of double-agent way.

But perhaps because of my sense of not belonging, I was lost. But definitely because of my dad passing away at my blossoming age, I was lost even more. The future didn’t exist for a long time, school was of no interest, fleeing into good times at the clubs with my friends was what I wanted to do. That period of my life seems ever-stretching but seemed long, because that backlash happened quite some time after my dad’s passing. My dad. My hero. A man of not many words, only the very necessary. The calm factor within the family home, opposite to the explosive and drama queen character of my mom that I just could never really figure out.

I still can’t deal with the explosive character of my mom. We have been clashing back and forth ever since that strong, calm pillar left us. I’ve thought of running away many a times, running away from a situation that I didn’t know how to deal with. Even up til today, I don’t know how to deal with it which is why I moved away almost an hour from our family home. Not too close, not too far. It felt liberating.

I have barely 3 weeks left to deliver our second child and just a few nights ago, she broke me. Again. Just like during the first pregnancy. But you are not here. I can’t crawl away in your arms, I can’t feel you hugging me, I can’t hear you comforting me. I can’t get to that feeling that the two of us can face the world alone. And that hurts.

I keep telling the baby to wait for daddy to come home, it can’t be long now. It has to be.

I could have had an easy way of living, I could have had finished my studies all the way, I probably could have had my own house, my own capital. But instead, I took a different road. A difficult one, very rocky, the type of road you have to go all the way down first before you can reach the point where it can go uphill. A lot of times we can see how high the mountain is, but we just keep slipping down. I know a lot of women in my position would have quit a long time ago, there’s no way a woman could stay this loyal, this understanding, this enduring towards any man. At the expense of estranging from the rest of her family, her financial situation, her frustrations.

Christmas is coming near, but it means nothing to me. A New Year is coming ahead, but it’s meaningless. I live by the day, hoping the baby will stay in place for a while. I try to stay strong for the baby, for our son, but when I’m alone and have a moment of silence, I break down. I can’t stop crying until I distract myself again with cleaning up, moving things around, watching movies. I search the pictures on my mobile phone to see you and our son, smiling into the camera like it was yesterday. It’s been two months.

I could have had it all, but only as an empty shell, with that lonesome feeling of not belonging. But I chose to belong to myself and to my husband, on a tough bumpy road that only seems to be going down. But hey, we can still look up and see the sky. Together with you, that is a mighty feeling.

 

count down

Tick tock, the days go by
Every day creeps by for you to come
Tick tock, the world passes by
Feelings of uncertainty no one knows

I can’t imagine you not being here
Yet I hope the baby will postpone a while
Sights of the future are unclear
But we know it will be all right somehow

Suppressing the sadness I feel inside
Making me linger from one home to another
No one sees the tears I hide
Because I feel so alone all the way

There’s nothing left to do for me
I’ve put my faith in the hands of God
I’ll just have to wait and see
How He will put order back into place

 

tough on the outside

You tell me I’m strong, but I feel so weak. Our baby is kicking inside of me, counting the last weeks and you’re not here. I need you the most right now, I can’t do this alone.

Will you listen to me when you come back? Will you be able and willing to let go of everyone around us for the sake of our family?

Friends don’t mean a thing, they are the ones that got you in to this mess. They are the ones that the police are looking for, but they are holding you for the sake of them.

Justice is not fair, at least not in this country. It takes an innocent man to be guilty, and the guilty to roam free as if they’re innocent.

curiosity

I still think of you. You still cross my mind. A closed chapter, bookmarked to read back every now and then.

Sometimes I still take a peek to see what you’re doing in life. And I wonder. I question.
But you seem happy. It feels you went back to your roots, back to a trusted place of love, hope, comfort.

I’d like to believe we both moved on. Yet, somewhere I’d also like to know if you still think about me too.

venomous

Your words were like the venom of a snake, slowly taking control of me. Yet, it was another fall that taught me how to pick myself up again. I thought you showed me a new me, but it was my desire to reach out to the meaningless world that was of such strength – it placed you right alongside with it.

I am renewed, but in so many ways you will never understand. If only I could take have 2 minutes in your thoughts, to confirm what I already know.

You thought you could fool me, but I chose not to end up like you instead.

awakening

Is there such a thing as soulmates? What does it really mean?

All I know is, I felt a deep profound love for someone who gave me what I needed. Who gave me the feeling that I was special, who knew I’d give all I have and more just to make him happy. Just to show him how much I care about him, how much I believe in us, how no one could ever come in between the special relationship we were in. Just so I could prove I could care less about what other people had to say, how other people think about us, how much I don’t care about the things we surround ourselves with.

My heart has been shattered to pieces, my tears have flooded oceans wide and there’s nothing I can do about it anymore.

I can’t hold back the tears anymore, because our son is the ultimate reflection of what we had, what we used to feel, a mirror to the love that once was. He was born under dire circumstances, but conceived in the absolute belief of a connection so strong – at a special place and time. I still remember how I felt that night and I knew a child would be born as a gift for the struggles we had faced up to that very moment – God heard our prayers and blessed us with the most beautiful gift given unto man.

I can’t deny who you are, or should I say, who you were. I can’t deny the significant role you played from the moment you came into my life and I owe you so much of my life’s experiences. These experiences, these moments in time, they have made me who I am today. When I look back, I see so much that my peers are yet to face in life, so much that most cannot begin to comprehend. I thank you for that, I thank God for pulling us through all these years but I also have to thank myself for finally realising that my awakening is here.

I might feel alone, I might seem strong, but all I can do – just like throughout the whole journey – is to turn to God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

In the name of God, the infinitely Compassionate and Merciful.
Praise be to God, Lord of all the worlds.
The Compassionate, the Merciful. Ruler on the Day of Reckoning.
You alone do we worship, and You alone do we ask for help.
Guide us on the straight path,
the path of those who have received your grace;
not the path of those who have brought down wrath, nor of those who wander astray.
Amen.

(Quran, Sura 1, Al-Fatiha)

shiver

The disgust in your eyes tells me enough.
The discontent that speaks from your body language makes me shiver.

You’re barely a glimpse of the man I used to love.
I’ve started to feel the turning of my stomache again, this time without the shame and guilt.

I made the decision, the right decision, not to go back again.

intense sadness

A weariness overcame me today
I could feel the tension in my shoulders again
My way home seemed to go in slow motion
because I could feel the intense sadness

It was freezing cold outside
but I would’ve stopped at the lil bridge
Close to home, separating the blocks
just to stand there for hours

Staring at the quiet creek
taking a turn in the green woods
Where the bare trees brush in the wind
in the shimmering moonlight

The back of my eyes were aching
the wind felt even colder against my cheeks
I could feel my tears stream down
it might as well flood the water below

Until I heard your voice
cheerful, without worries, happy
You lifted me up when I was down
your sweet innocence echoed through

It reminded me of my strength
that you give to me unknowingly
The power to keep going with firm tread
so you will know you were my fuel

One day you will know, my dear baby boy.

the long road home

The silence on the street is deafening
the darkness feels thick and sufficating
All I hear are the sounds of my shoes
stepping on the cold bare concrete

I make my way through the night
to a place that I used to call home
Which has become an empty house
no soul, no life, just bricks with doors

You are never there when I am
and secretly I hope you’re not
We should not even be there together
because we parted ways long before

We endure each other’s presence
never speaking a single word
We try our hardest to deny the existence
of each other, by all means possible

My feet reach the house closer and closer
but my heart refuses to be there
Unlocking the door with the key
I enter the darkness of the empty house

Everytime I close that front door
it reminds me of where we came from
Yet we decided to shut that entry
to our hearts and our relationship
alltogether.

making sure

It’s funny how I still open the closet to check if the rings we once wore, are still laying there – neglected and abandoned. The mark on my finger is still there, reminding me how committed I once was to not ever take it off.