Tag Archives: guilt

that guilt

What would you say if you saw me now? What would you do? I wonder, because there is no one to talk to. And I remember we could talk about anything. Even though it was wrong for me to do so, but talking to strangers is so much easier. Keeping it all to myself is so much harder to deal with.

But I just don’t want to feel that guilt.

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The disgust in your eyes tells me enough.
The discontent that speaks from your body language makes me shiver.

You’re barely a glimpse of the man I used to love.
I’ve started to feel the turning of my stomache again, this time without the shame and guilt.

I made the decision, the right decision, not to go back again.

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i’m actually ok

I got my shine back. People around me see it and they don’t even know about all that has passed.

I’m supposed to feel heartache, I’m supposed to be sick to my stomache. I’m supposed to, right?
But instead, I feel a better person, a better mom, a better colleague.

I can laugh even louder without the tension I feel in my shoulders. It has become a relief that I don’t have to hold back anymore, cautious and aware of what he would think.

Almost a month later, we still didn’t speak. We each don’t want to start the confrontation. Maybe because we both feel guilty, maybe because all has been said before.

Let me be and I’ll let you be. I’ll wait and see if you will be the bigger person one day – for a change.

I’ve considered many ways to make the first move. I have a letter waiting, I thought of showing up at the church to make it definitive with the pastor, I’ve thought of calling or texting you.

But I didn’t bother myself. Why should I? Why should I end the silence? Why name something that has already been defined?

Just know, I did not hurt you. You did it, all by yourself.

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Reading my diaries from years ago, it was apparent we went into bad times head on together. Barely two years after we met, we faced financial crisis and that’s where it all began. I believed in you, your ideas, your promises. I believed everything would be ok, as long as I could hide in your locked arms – just me and you. Maybe I was in denial, maybe I wished for you to be different, maybe it was easier to go along.

I did some awful lying, fraudulous acts and it got us both into a horrible mess. A mess we were determined to clean up together, one way or another. As most relationships evolve, we were ready to take it to the next level and we got married and we got pregnant. I think it was too soon, too messy, too much. The wedding itself was nice, but disorganised and in the end an embarrassment towards the people that helped make it happen. It’s still hard to face them to this day.

I’ve let myself get astranged from my family, I’ve let myself hang on to someone who kept poisoning me with words and tie me down with guilt. Perhaps I did exactly the same back, because it was all I knew.

From marriage on, we went into the wonderful times of pregnancy. It was wonderful because of the whole process and knowing that our son was soon going to join us. I was fortunate not to have any complaints or difficulties during pregnancy, except for the first 3 nauseous months. I was fortunate, because there were actually times that we didn’t have anything to eat and had to scrape up a handful of cents and get the cheapest thing out of the supermarket and still split that 3-ways, for us and the baby.

People will only see what other people want them to see. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at others and how you think they are thriving. We pretended to be fine, we pretended to be who we are not, we pretended too much. It killed me from the inside, sliding me further down in the pit til I hit rock bottom.

I discovered that love is great, it’s wonderful and amazing. I know I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’ve also come to learn that if you really want unconditional love from your partner, you can’t. No matter how hard you try, how bad you want it, the only one who can give you unconditional love without pretends – is the One, God, the Almighty. People will only dissapoint you, even in love, intentionally or unintentionally.

But you know what’s still so amazing about love, even at its end? We can’t get enough of it, we need it to feel alive and there’s always hope that the next love is right there, waiting on you to come around.

Love hard, fall hard, cry about it. Then pick yourself up and love even harder.

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love waits

It’s exactly 1.59 AM when I start writing this post. I’d like to believe that am really just a night owl, like I’ve spent many nightly hours before I moved out of the house, spent behind the computer, inspired and creatively active. Maybe it’s just the coffee.

I was hoping to see a glimpse of him tonight, but the time difference sucks. I know he’s busy, pushing long hours on long days, he might be out, I don’t really know. I was just hoping, waiting.

Guilt free? I think not. But the longing, my oh my, the longing. Sometimes I wish I could just get a grip on myself. Stop the longing, start the waiting, let him long for me. But I know he is, that’s why I feel it. It’s the connection we have, that no one understands. Inexplicable, yes. Unbelievable? Yeah, that too.

My yawning gives away that I’m tired after all, guess it’s not the coffee. I know that as soon as I lay my head down, I’ll fall asleep. I hope it’ll whisk me away to our island, the place we meet where no one else can arrive, for us to be together and alone. I wonder though, how long we’ll keep this up. I wonder… how long love waits.

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day by day

Christmas went by fast this year, just as I had hoped for. We didn’t bother to indulge in dinners, late nights together or spending much time with family and friends. At least, not together. Growing up, I always knew I was different. Meeting him, I knew he was different. Put us together and we’re awkward, like a reggae beat in a catholic church.

We are, however, taking it day by day again. Just taking each situation as it is. Trying to see where exactly we used to fit in together, make our differences work together. There are ups but also downs, miscommunications and inside jokes.

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to help to keep wandering off in my mind. At times, I feel guilty for still communicating to him, knowing fully well it’ll jeopardise everything we’re trying to fix.

I find myself pathetic for not knowing what the hell I want, or not wanting to realise what I want. I find myself pathetic for letting myself linger between two worlds of the mind, not wanting to make a decision for myself, afraid of the pain and aftermath that’ll come either way. It’s sickening at times, how I even live with myself every single day, torturing myself, numbing me out from the reality, pretending. When really, one of the things I really hate is pretending.

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distance and time

If it weren’t for the distance and time, I’d indulge in the sinful act. I probably would, because of my craving. My hunger for love, in ways I never dare to explore with him. I know what he likes, but I doubt if he really knows how far my mind stretches out to explore new ways of love, lust, desire and passion. Is it fair to hide a part of me, for the sake of maintaining what we have? Is it selfish to be the woman he wants me to be and which I am – most of the time?

It’s not fair, it is selfish.

If only he knew. I don’t think he’ll believe his own eyes, he won’t believe it’s me. I wish I had the courage to show him, but it’ll come to me in time.

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betrayal of the betrayed

What is betrayal? What is betrayal if you accuse me of the things you do yourself? What is betrayal when there is no open communication in our relationship? I know that half of the things you do, you do not want to tell me as a means of protecting me when things go haywire. But is it worth it? Are there no other ways of earning a buck or two? Is this really what we are hanging on to? Means of making money rather than to collect our strenghts and face the world together – like we used to. You stopped being you and you stopped letting me be a part of what you are doing, because you feel like I stopped believing in you. Maybe I did. Maybe I’m being realistic and seeing that it’s not working. It never really did, because it created the mess we are in now, a mess that we’re in together and knee deep.

What am I to think? What have we become if we can’t trust each other? What is left of our relationship when we feel like we need to keep trace of each other’s steps behind each other’s back?

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deepest of the deep

Amazing how you see me through and read me like a book on a shelf.

Guilt keeps me from chosing wisely by heart. When I say that I hurt him, it’ll have me feeling guilty each and everytime and he knows it. I might have the courage to listen to my heart, but I don’t want it to end that way because I care too much for him. I care too much about his emotions and put it before my own self worthiness. Which turns into a dangerous game when the other person knows it.

It’s just strange that I’m not that person anymore, so there’s no easy way of breakin the news to him that I want to be a different woman. But I also know that I can’t live with that regret for the rest of my life – just that I can’t jump that hurdle yet. Which is even more strange because isn’t your spouse supposed to be the person in your life with whom you can share the most deepest of the deep regardless?

There are no second chances, only one life to live.

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that day will come

How easily we went back to who we were, before the mess happened. How reminiscent it feels when I read back our chats from months ago. How amazing that it doesn’t even make me feel that guilty anymore.

You were never the reason to a possible break up. I was.
You were never the reason why communication was down at home. I was.
You were never the reason why I try to escape reality. I was.
You were never the reason that I feel estranged from the life I am living today. I was.

There will be a day, soon, that I will be a new woman. A woman who puts herself first, without compromising who I am for any one else. A break out from the life that’s going downhill today. That day will come.

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