there you are

I catch myself picking up the pieces, hoping to solve the puzzle one day. Whenever I start putting the pieces back together, I hope to complete it but somehow I know more shit will be coming my way. Broken puzzle pieces, pieces that came off and got lost just to pop up unexpectedly again. Why’s it so hard to get to the complete picture? Why is there always something close to the finish line that throws us right back into a deeper mess? Why?

I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be in this downward spiral. I deserve a life that does not involve looking back and forward, contemplating if we could or could not. I hate the feeling of relief followed by stress, each and every time. The moments of relief are too brief to make up for the moments of stress. Why can’t you be honest to me? Why can’t you talk to me about these things? Come to think of it, you never did. Until it was too late, and I was there to pick up the pieces. Again.

It’s turned into a loop, a continuous loop. But I don’t wanna repeat the same damn movie every other year. If this is really who you are, then this is what you’ve let us become. We are supposed to be husband and wife, one entity, one front, one body. Yet, there you are. Tellin me lies, silently swallowing the words, holding on to your pride. I admired you once upon a time, I admired your perseverance, your passion, your dedication. Yet, there you are. Heading into the wrong direction, chosing to ignore the faint reminder of my voice, warning you of danger ahead.

We’ve been down this road before, but you don’t seem to learn from the past. We took this path together before, but it took us in opposite directions.

And yet, there you are. Wondering how you lost me along the way.

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