Tag Archives: stuck

reality and fantasy

No one could ever understand what we have. Not even him. Right under his nose, my mind drifts off to places I want to see, explore, hear, smell and touch. But most of all, I’d like to explore you, open that window to see what our future could look like. Just you and me, living our life together. The details will work itself out, somehow, someway, like it always will.

But reality sets in too with each thought I work out in my mind. Inevitably. And it sticks out long enough to make me think that maybe what I have, might work out after all. Reality lets me experience those moments, those glimpses of who we used to be, together, as a family. It’s keeping me back from taking that leap into the unknown. Binding me down when I thought I had to break lose.

It’s a fine line between wishing what I could have, and wanting what I already got. Does that even make sense?

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tears on the train

Drowning myself in music,
thinking of making you my baby
Until that day comes,
I’ll be wondering of what it may be

I feed myself thoughts through beats,
rhymes that might as well be mine
In a world of ballads and mid-tempo,
it’s the up-tempo’s I decline

Close my eyes in the train,
fill my ears with songs no one hears
Seeing you so close to me,
but all I can feel are my tears

No one really cares,
trying to ignore but they see
Gently I rub my face,
wishing you were here with me

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giving up

I wonder sometimes if he feels the same things that I’m feeling. I wonder if he knows how we go from here, does he even know we’ve reached the crossroads? At times I feel like giving in, giving up, starting anew and I try to imagine what that would be like. Obviously, I’m still stuck in a comfort zone and I need to set some pieces in the right direction before I can take that leap.

It’s hard to try and make it work, when part of me has made up my mind to let it go. Add the fact that he doesn’t tell me half that I want to hear from what he feels about us, makes it even more difficult to build on it. It works in some cases to strip everything down to its foundation and start building all over again, but how can we build if we even need to redo the foundation too?

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tears of pain

how many more tears
would you have me fall down my face?
how many more tears
do I have to hide from your sight?

how much more anger
would you want me to feel?
how many more gasps
of despair do I have to hold inside?

I get so angry, that I cry
then I hate that I cry these tears
I can’t continue to feel
so many emotions all at once

For now, I choose to live in this misery
against all good advice
For now, I endure the pain
against all that’s right for me

Because I believe you when you say
you will make a change
Because I want to feel again
what we once had

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betrayal of the betrayed

What is betrayal? What is betrayal if you accuse me of the things you do yourself? What is betrayal when there is no open communication in our relationship? I know that half of the things you do, you do not want to tell me as a means of protecting me when things go haywire. But is it worth it? Are there no other ways of earning a buck or two? Is this really what we are hanging on to? Means of making money rather than to collect our strenghts and face the world together – like we used to. You stopped being you and you stopped letting me be a part of what you are doing, because you feel like I stopped believing in you. Maybe I did. Maybe I’m being realistic and seeing that it’s not working. It never really did, because it created the mess we are in now, a mess that we’re in together and knee deep.

What am I to think? What have we become if we can’t trust each other? What is left of our relationship when we feel like we need to keep trace of each other’s steps behind each other’s back?

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the thing about you

Often I wonder, what is it about you? What makes us connect the way we do? What is it about you that I can’t get from anyone else?

Maybe it’s what you represent, you represent what I could’ve been doing, who I could’ve become – if it were a different time and place. You know I admire you, because you do what you feel is right without comprimising. And perhaps that’s where I’m different today, because I had to compromise for the sake of being in a relationship of unconditional love. Or for the sake of taming my young womanhood.

I remember when you said that he wouldn’t even like who I would become, if I were to do what I wanna do or if I were to be with you. I think you’re right, and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I folded my cards too soon, that I’m making it harder on myself and him to turn things around. Change happens everyday, but the more I see that I’ve changed or long to change – the more I see that he hasn’t, at all.

It’s heartbreaking that I have to feed myself negative thoughts, just so I don’t go back and talk to you… again.

There are times I wish we did meet on the physical realm, because I feel like it would make things easier – be it for better or worse. I just feel so stuck.

We’ve come to know each other in ways we never expected, never dared to imagine.

I’ve come to know you as an amazing man.
You are my homie, for life.
You are…

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