look ahead

When will the silence be broken? We’d have to make things ‘official’ somehow and somewhere down the line. I’d have to break the news to the people close to us. We still under the same roof – even though you wouldn’t think so judging by how little we come across – but I’m making my steps forward to find my own place.

Earlier today, I read a quote saying:

I’m stronger because of my pain, not because of my comfort.

It supplements the blog entry I read before that, describing how women  have great strengths that amaze men yet have one flaw: forgetting their own worth. To eventually find that out, it’s painful but I assure you, you will come back out even stronger than you would ever had imagined.

Even though I made up my mind to step out of this relationship and choose for myself and my son, to choose to get out of the chaotic mess which we try so hard to cover up to everyone outside, it still hurts. I just reached a point that I can’t cry about it anymore, because I have done that a lot before. Nonetheless it’s painful to know I can’t give my son a ‘normal’ family where the actual mom and dad love each other and imprint that back on him. It’s a reality check when he asks me out of the blue: “Where is daddy?” and I’d have to pretend and try to convince him that daddy’s working.

Can you believe it though? Me and him haven’t spoken to each other for a month now, but he has also not spoken to his own son for that long too. Now tell me, you call yourself a father? Or are you just being selfish and childish for not wanting to speak to me and neglect our son in the process?

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