falling out of love

We’ve been in non-communicato for so long, I forgot our friends and family would expect both of us to come over at their birthday party. Fortunately, they helped remind me by asking if you were working – which I used as the excuse for that night. I haven’t told anyone yet about what has been happening all this while, no one really knows even though it’s just a matter of time they will know.

For so long have I defended you, supported you, protected you, saved you, played along and lied for you. It has become such a relief not having to worry about you anymore, yet still part of me worries about you. Worries like I used to so many, many days and nights before. You were my world, my everything, I swear I thought I could not breathe in the air without you. It all seems so futile now, so insignificant, so… betrayed.

I do believe I loved you and was in love with you, just like I believe you were too in return. But I also believe this was meant to be, part of what was supposed to make us in life on the long run. There would not have been any other woman who could’ve done all the things that I’ve done for you, out of love, out of care, out of ignorance. A hope that I was contributing to helping you become who you wanted to be, because I see your potential, I see your passion.

Perhaps my purpose has been fulfilled, helping you do the field work to get started. I still see your potential, your passion and your drive to make a success out of yourself at whatever expense. Sadly, I will not be that woman on your side to see you reach the top and frankly, I’m at peace with that. You might still be angry at me, I’m sure you will be for a much longer time, til that one day comes you will realise I did it for the both of us.

The love we thought we felt gripped us around the throat tighter and tighter, all I did was cut each other loose. I don’t wanna drag you along with me, and I can’t handle seeing you drag all that shit with you either anymore. I can’t give you that again, because I have given it all out before.

I’m giving you the space to do what you feel you need to be doing, I’m giving myself my freedom back in return.

Sometimes I wonder, how could I not have seen clearly? The more I repeat the things you’ve said to me, the more it has started to hurt me. One thing I realised only today was you asking me who put these ideas and thoughts in my head, when we clashed last year. It makes sense to me now, even though you tried to blame my mom or someone else that I might have been talking to. It makes sense because your thoughts and ideas became mine, you were feeding me the words that I needed to know in your own opinion. That’s why you became suspicious about who else could be messing with my head, because you never imagined I could think for myself one day.

That one is gonna sting for a long time.

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